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Olympics: A guide for the uninitiated
If it wasn't bad enough that you had to endure the first two weeks of summer as a football widow while your man was camped in front of the box, brace yourself for more of the same as this is Olympic year too!
For another fortnight, the attention of the sport-loving world will coalesce in Beijing to watch athletes from every corner of the planet do battle for one of those gleaming gold medals and the title of Olympic champion.
Okay, so you may despise sport on TV and fail to understand why it mesmerises your man into a state of apathy about matters closer to home, like the dishes piling up in the sink, the state of the lawn or that romantic meal he promised weeks ago. But in his defence you did revel in the Sex And The City thing earlier in the year, and there's a good chance he couldn't figure out that one out either.
The good thing about the summer Olympics is that it's not just 22 guys kicking a ball into a net. Thankfully, there will be people - men and women - competing in over 300 different events and, once you get past the corporate logos, plug-ins and cute mascots, something is bound to pique your interest.
So, let's kick off with a few things the non-enthusiasts among us may look out for...
1. The Opening Ceremony
Los Angeles did it. Moscow did it. And now it's Beijing's turn. The Republic of China will announce to an estimated 4 billion viewing audience its emergence onto the world stage as the next Superpower in waiting. You can be rest assured that no expense has been spared to turn this three-and-a-half hour parade into the most ostentatious flag-waving display.
The amount of energy needed to run the show will probably push the price of oil up by another penny. There will be dancers, musicians, acrobats and fire-breathers doing their bit.
And just to ensure that there will be something for everyone, it is being mooted that Celine Dion will be performing her own brand of vocal gymnastics to get the show started.
2. Obscure events
At what other time would events such as water polo, judo, fencing and synchronised swimming get television coverage?
These guys have been spending years honing their talents and this is the moment they unveil it to the world, and quite probably the only time anyone besides friends and family would have a reason to cheer them on.
So, go on, be a sport and tune in. You just might find yourself inspired to sign up to the local fencing group and own your very own Epee.
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