Olympics: A guide for the uninitiated

3. The hunks

Even if you hate sport in all its forms, at least you can delight in the eye-candy on view. And, thanks to the 42 different sports to be showcased, athletes will be coming in all shapes and sizes.

Whether it is the lithe swimmer's physique that gets you hot and bothered or the colossal shot putter with his boulder-shoulders and Neanderthal grunts, you can be certain that at some point someone will get your pulse racing. Besides the sport, the Olympics will serve up an orgy of testosterone shrink-wrapped in Lycra.

4. Loveable losers

'Eddie the eagle' Edwards, 'Eric the Eel' Moussambani and the Jamaican Bobsled Team. What do all these have in common? They weren't record breakers or world-beaters.

In fact, they were pretty lousy, terrible even, far too inept to be even labelled the underdog. But while they lost out on a place on the podium, they won our hearts by virtue of their guileless charm and became living examples of the adage 'it's not the winning but taking part that counts'.

The Olympic Games has a habit of bringing out the quirkiest personalities and Beijing will no doubt serve up its quota of loveable losers.

5. 'Wince' Olympics

The saying goes that 'practice makes perfect'. And perfection is the goal every Olympian strives for - repeating the same move over and again, fine-tuning all the elements, synthesising the mind and body wholly to the task of scoring a flawless 10.

So, what happens to a select few on the day of reckoning? Just go on to You Tube and type in 'Olympic funnies', or 'Olympic cock-ups' and you'll be wincing at the feast of candid camera moments when that thing called human fallibility made a mockery of all the practice. You could always watch out for the bloopers in Beijing.

6. The Hollywood makeover

Let's get serious. What is it about the Olympic Games that is so interesting? How can it possibly be as entertaining to watch as a re-run of Friends, match the nail-biting tension from an episode of Deal or no Deal, or compete with the cliff-hanger of Friday?s instalment of Eastenders? Well, it can.

Let it be known that many subjects from past Olympic Games have been given the cinematic treatment. Chariots of Fire, Munich and Cool Runnings are examples of Hollywood taking incidents from the Olympics and turned them into award-winning, feature-length films.

7. Patriotism

While you may never have exchanged a word with any of your neighbours or have any idea what the term 'community relations' means, come a major sporting event you find yourself draping a flag over the window and seeing others doing the same.

Nothing stirs the collective consciousness of a nation more so than a major international sporting event. We weren't there at the football and Murray left us wanting at Wimbledon.

So, should one of ours make it to the 110-metre hurdle final or hurl a javelin straight into the record books, give over to a bit of patriotic fervour and leap onto the bandwagon. Enjoy the feel-good factor!

8. Closing ceremony

It's one big party and everyone's invited! You can celebrate the fact that you don't have to see those blasted rings for another four years!

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