Dr Pam's love clinic

Each week, award-winning radio presenter, agony aunt, sex and relationship advisor, and life coach Dr Pam Spurr will be advising iVillagers on real-life love and sex issues. Check back every week to read her latest words of wisdom

Now that I'm pregnant I'm losing my sex drive

By Dr. Pam Spurr on 06 Dec 2011 No comments

Dear Dr Pam,

My partner and I have been trying for a baby for a really long time. Eventually we succeeded and I am now four months pregnant. Of course I am extremely happy and excited but my pregnancy is starting to affect our sex life badly. I feel less attractive by the day and although I do have sex drive, I am not enjoying making love to my boyfriend because I don’t feel confident and therefore can’t fully relax.

At first he was very patient and understanding but recently he has stopped being affectionate and we can go for weeks without having sex (which was never the case before).

I know that it’s normal to feel this way at this point but I am afraid that if it keeps getting worse and we are intimate even less often, then he will get bored and might even cheat on me! It’s a horrible assumption to make but when it comes to sex, men are unpredictable and unreasonable.

How can I prevent my pregnancy getting in the way of our sex life?

Dear 'not feeling attractive',

I was sorry to read your e-mail and unfortunately I hear this from so many mothers-to-be. At first excited by their pregnancy down the line as changes happen to their sex drive (and bodies) they get anxious and worried.

If we lived in a perfect world men will be fully supportive and understanding - and women wouldn't get so self-critical about their changing bodies. It's a two-way street and both parents-to-be need to do their best to keep stress of the pregnancy.

Here are a number of ways forward:

It's essential to let your partner know that you're starting to feel insecure about your body. Yes, it's your responsibility to boost yourself up and accept everyone's body changes during pregnancy - but it's also a good idea to let him know this is troubling you.
Outright ask him to keep reminding you that you're beautiful and your body changing doesn't make any difference to him. Let him know you need to be told lovely things like he loves you or how he normally expresses his love for you.
Keep the affection going big time. Enjoy lots of kisses and cuddles to stay physically close to each other.
Agree that you will be clear with each other when you simply having a hug/couple in front of the telly or when either of you are feeling like more. Unfortunately when you're feeling insecure it's easy to assume that every time he comes to give you a hug that he wants sex.
If you're feeling insecure you should obviously be challenging any negative thinking - like telling yourself that of course your body’s changing and you're simply developing a beautiful pregnant body. But at the same time get some candles for sensual lighting for when you are in the mood. Candlelight disguises as many of the bumps we women don't want on show.
This is a time to really let him know what feels good - don't hold back - let him know the exact type of sensual touch that is likely to get you in the mood.
You both need to keep squarely in mind this is a time limited thing. And that after having a baby most women find their sex drive returns by about the six month mark - or at least by nine months - and sometimes sooner. In the meantime do experiment to see what sort of foreplay and sex works between you. Don't forget he can pleasure himself.
Tell him about your worries of him straying - I'm absolutely certain he'll reassure you about this. Then you must put that out of your head - unless he has a track record cheating and then you two need to keep committed to being honest with each other.

Final tip: If he can't be understanding and loving, you may well want to speak to a relationship counsellor together. Some men - even those who are very good men - sometimes can't get their heads around the fact how much pregnancy can make women feel very differently about their bodies and sex.

Wishing you the best of luck, Dr Pam x

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Have you got a sex or relationship problem? Email Dr Pam at pam.spurr@nbcuni.com