Fortysomething

From men to mid life crises, from Botox to Brazilians, from infertility to infidelity, every week Jacqui Leigh gives her personal take on being a fortysomething woman

An old flame from out of the blue

By Jacqui Leigh on 26 Jan 2012 No comments

At night, too tired to drag myself into the bathroom, I lie slumped on the sofa with my laptop trawling Facebook for people I used to know.

However legitimate it is to search for people on FB it always leaves you feeling a bit dirty because it’s not really looking up old friends, it’s snooping. A bit like nose picking, one of those universal, not very nice habits nobody admits to.

And like most people, I look not because I have any urge to see any of them again, but because I’m just curious to know how they turned out. In your mid forties it may be a good twenty or thirty years since you’ve last seen that person or even given them the slightest thought -- not since you sat together on the carpet at primary school or slept with them in a moment of drunken abandonment. This makes for some truly gobsmacking transformations. To be honest if you don’t use your privacy settings you only have yourself to blame.

So that’s kind of fun. Of course, if you’re in your twenties you can’t experience this pleasure, no point checking out someone you were at school with in 1998, yawn.

Anyway, the few occasions I came across someone I actually wouldn’t mind seeing again (almost none) I’ve never contacted them. Firstly, why would you want to make the first move? If they haven’t contacted you in twenty years they clearly haven’t missed you. Then again, when I’ve had the odd friendship request from some long ago and usually best forgotten person, I tend to accept, safe in the knowledge that all they want to do is add me to their long list of ‘friends’ and occasionally ruin my day by posting pictures of their kids…

So how it is that, despite my instinct for self preservation and evident common sense I have somehow joined the hordes of idiots hooking up with an old flame via Facebook?

Next week Jim will be over from the US where he now lives. He’s visiting his family and he’s asked if he can come by...

I have a plethora, an abundance, a heap of old boyfriends - of which I retain fond memories of just two - and he’s one of them. The rest I would probably cross the street to avoid. Even though I knew perfectly well he was out there on Facebook, I never thought to contact him, for the reasons I’ve given, but then surprise, surprise, he messaged me.

And the truth is, I’m curious and excited. Not because there is unfinished business but because he’s interesting. Really clever and talented, but a maverick, who has always refused to settle down and grow up. He’s flown planes and built weird inventions and from what I can make out he’s now an actor. As for his relationship history, there’s a divorce somewhere along the line and no doubt plenty more women besides. And no kids.

Anyway, you get the picture and to be honest, you can see why he was such a rubbish boyfriend. I think I spent more time on the phone to his mum than I did with him. The times we spent together were fun but he was much more interested in rock climbing or skateboarding than being with me and in the end I think I just gave up.

So kind of surprising that his recent messages and emails to me were a bit romantic and nostalgic. He reminds me about whiskey, cigarettes and candles in the bath. and tells me how special I was to him. He even says I set the bar high for future girlfriends.

Who knew? Because I just remember he spent most of his time skateboarding, the little shit.

I tell Dan exactly what’s happening. If he tells me to cancel then I will in a heartbeat. Dan shrugs. ‘Nah. That’s okay. That’s fine. You should see him.'

'You won’t be jealous?' I say, with a hint of disappointment...