Talking about separation and divorce

Mid-divorce

My ex and I separated in August this year and we're mid-divorce and waiting for the decree nisi to be issued. Things have been as amicable as they could have been as there was someone else involved and I'm still hurting. We have a two-year-old son who we both absolutely adore. On a day-to-day basis he's a good father.

Currently, I work three days a week and since he doesn't have a full-time job (he works on and off), he's been looking after our son at those times. He also has him for a full daytime (not overnight stays as yet - they're planned to start once a month on either a Saturday or Sunday every week).

He's barely paying me any maintenance even when he has money to (we're talking £20 a month here) so I I've had to take on extra work to do from home to keep us afloat. However, yesterday he decided to ask ME for money!

He says because he's with our son three days a week and buys nappies to keep at his then I should be giving him a percentage of the child benefit and child tax credits! I told him he could forget it as a) I always send him over with a fully stocked change bag (nappies, wipes, nappy sacks, spare clothes, toys etc) so the fact he uses ones he's bought instead is his choice not because of me and b) Our son lives with me permanently, he's a non-resident parent so should be paying me money not asking me for it!

I guess my questions are firstly, am I right? And secondly, how do I handle this so the atmosphere doesn't affect our little man?
scrummy_mummy

However, I don't really believe in the idea of primary residence as I believe that in order for a child to enjoy the company of both their parents they both need to provide a home for the child.

If you go to the law to sort this out you could end up paying a fortune and making things very messy between you. At the moment the fact that your ex is co-operative means that you don't have to pay high child care costs etc. and I wouldn't risk that as well as risking upsetting your child.

To resolve this (and make sure you don't create an atmosphere) the financial settlement needs be something that you both think is fair (that way there is no bitterness).

So what's fair? As you are both caring for your child a similar amount of time you should share the cost of your child equally. Write down your income because of the child (e.g. benefits) your outgoings and those of your ex.

What is the real impact of the child on that? How much are your living costs higher because you're living in a larger place than you would otherwise be? Do you really need to live in that place (for the sake of the child) or could you downsize?

Try not to get into an argument about nappies (the fact he doesn't use the ones you provide reduces the number you buy and just like you he has the right to choose what he wants for his child). Simply try to work out the sums so that you can both see who is paying for what and where the imbalance (if any) might be.

Do all this away from the ears of your child. You don't want him to think he's a financial burden.