Not in front of the children

Get irritated, naggy, whingey, whiney, interrupt each other, contradict each other, blame each other, shut down or walk out – and you will not only teach your children unuseful social lessons. You’ll also end up feeling bad yourselves and unable to resolve anything.

On the other hand, learn to talk calmly... take it in turns to speak.... ask each other good questions... take each other’s points on board... give credit where it’s due... be flexible and creative in resolving conflicts – and you’ll not only get agreement much quicker. You’ll also develop emotionally literate children.

Don’t hide conflict away
When you can’t agree something, there’s a good chance you’ll actively argue. But to some extent even this may well be educational. All children old enough to understand language need to start having models of conflict resolution in their lives. And if they don’t get those models, they won’t know what to do when they’re old enough to have conflict – conflict with their partners, friends or even you.

They may end up unable to control their anger, or only able to give in to anyone who gets angry with them. They’ll feel disempowered and unhappy rather than knowing how to make peace and get the best outcome.

So yes, avoid bad habits. And keep it relevant – it’s not appropriate to row about heavy sexual issues for example. But don’t just shut down if things get heated. The kids will know there’s something up anyway and if you try to pretend nothing’s wrong, they’ll just get confused and know you’re not being completely honest. On the other hand...

Hide away when...
The first exception to this rule is when you are arguing about how to handle your children. For their own emotional security, they need to know you are not arguing about them and that the two of you are consistent in the way you treat them. So present a united front, give a unified party line.