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Not in front of the children
The second exception to the ‘arguments out front’ rule is when it gets vicious. If your arguments get to the point of personal insult or attack – or, of course, violence – then your children absolutely do not need to witness this. The alternative is not simply to keep your arguments until after they go to bed. It’s to get help fast, as you are probably heading for relationship breakdown. Access the Relate website.
Talk about it
Discussing arguments after the event, if it’s done right, can be very helpful to children because it helps them understand – and learn – the process. Of course, this doesn’t mean using that discussion to repeat or rehearse negative feelings you have about your partner.
It does mean being willing to explain to your children why the two of you argued, what you felt before and after, how you resolved the argument and so got it right and what you did wrong that you could have done better. ‘We were discussing whether to buy a new television. We both got very upset which didn’t help. But in the end we looked at how much money we had, and then we decided...’
So don’t automatically run for shelter next time you feel a disagreement brewing. Instead, use it as a learning experience not only for you in how to improve your relationship, but also for your children in how to improve theirs.
Read my book Stop Arguing Start Talking, published by Vermilion at £6.99.
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