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Introducing your child to a new partner
For any family that has lived through a divorce and has settled into new routines with parents living apart, the inevitable will happen; a new partner will appear on the scene. In an extract from her book, Help Your Children Cope with Divorce, Relate psychotherapist Paula Hall talks about helping your children adjust
Sooner or later, either you or your partner is likely to meet someone else. The timing of this new union is extremely important. Ideally, you shouldn't consider introducing anyone new into your life until both you and your children have adjusted to the separation and idea of having both parents in separate homes. Your children need time to accept that your relationship with the other parent is over and there's no chance of reconciliation. If a partner is introduced too early, children are more likely to feel they are a replacement.
Suzie Hayman, author of The Relate Guide to Second Families and counsellor on the BBC's Stepfamilies series says: 'Of course, real life doesn't always go to plan, and you may find yourself falling head over heels in love and wanting to combine lives with a new person as soon as possible. However reasonable or desirable this feels, thinking of your children's reactions and needs may help you take it at a slower and more measured, planned pace.'
However, the ending of your relationship may have been triggered by meeting someone else. In the majority of situations when this happens there were already problems in the relationship, and someone new is the catalyst for bringing it to an end. But from your children's perspective, and possibly from your ex's as well, this new person may be seen as the cause of the break-up. In order for your new partner to be accepted as part of your future family, you should try to ensure that you have time living separately while your children adjust.
Understanding children's reactions
Most children want their parents to be happy. And most realise that, in part, means meeting someone new. However, while they may want you and your ex to meet someone else, they may also struggle with the impact that will have on their relationship with you. Many parents become particularly close to their children after a relationship breakdown, so it's especially hard for them to see you getting close to someone else.
Feelings of jealousy are natural, and your children will need your help to understand that you will not love them any less because of it.
A new partner also signals the end of any reconciliation fantasies that your children may have had. It's common for children to cling to the hope that one day Mum and Dad will get back together. The introduction of a new partner means the end of those dreams.
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