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Wider implications of a parent leaving
I have a four-year-old and a two-year-old. We lost Grandpa two years ago and Daniel (the four year old) did quite well with it. Missed him, talked about him and seemed to get better with time like the rest of us.
In October, my sister-in-law left her children and husband for a lover. Since then, and divorce proceedings, she has not seen the children since May. My Daniel and cousin Jessica, who is six, are very close and have become closer since Jessica's mum has left. We have tried to pick up the slack as far as her not having her mummy anymore.
The problem is, my son is having trouble understanding that his aunt has just left and has not 'passed away'. I have tried explaining this to him but that just makes it worse. He thinks that some day I may leave him. Jessica is a wreck because she just simply does not know if her Mum ever wants her again. She also left a 14-year-old boy, who is of course very hurt and angry.
I'm just worried that all these children will not trust anyone - especially an adult that tells them 'I will always be here'. I don't want tell my son that I will never leave him because if something should happen to me he will think I lied to him.
What do we do to reassure these children in ways that they can understand? I don't want to make things worse.
Your own children may be confused by the immersion of their cousins in their lives during this crisis, and your son may be responding to his cousins' loss of their mother by identifying with it. You are right to explain the difference between death and abandonment. And it is important that your children also have separate time with you to process what has happened.
Plan some time with your son so that he experiences his relationship with you as intact. Talk about the fact that his cousin's mummy went away and ask if he wants to discuss it. Give him a reason that matches the reality of the situation in some way. Let him experience your love as different from the mother who abandoned her children. And, in general, try to keep some boundaries around your own children and their relationship with you to protect them from the chaotic feelings their cousins must be experiencing right now.
Do not try to be your niece or nephew's 'mother'. You cannot make this up to them and you will end up compromising your own sanity and family relationships if you do. Instead, accept your role as their aunt who loves them and empathises with them. If possible, work with their father to normalise their life in the midst of this upheaval. Family counselling around the divorce is a much-needed service at this time. Many issues will continue to emerge as the divorce proceeds, including the likelihood of their mother's re-emergence in their lives.
Reassure your own children by making clear the difference between your commitment to motherhood and their aunt's. Accept that to your son his aunt has 'died' at this time. His experience of her disappearance and the death of his grandfather do have similarities. This may be his way of making sense of her absence in his life. Reflect to him that indeed it must feel this way to him, but that in fact she still lives somewhere else. Leave it at that, unless he asks for further explanations.
In time, she may return to the scene and he will have more questions. When he does ask questions, answer truthfully and reflect his feelings, but clarify reality. For example, 'Yes, I can see how you would be afraid that I would go away too, but that is not going to happen. You come first in my life.'
Your niece and nephew will learn to separate the abandonment behaviour of their mother from others in the world who are committed to them. You are doing the best thing possible by being there for them in your role as their aunt. Through your behaviour as a devoted mother and compassionate aunt, you are already providing them with models of committed behaviour to draw on now and when they become adults. You do this by just being yourself! Heroics are not required.
Why not chat to other iVillagers about toddlers on the The Things Kids Say message board. Take a look at some of the LIVE discussions happening now on the board:
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