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Stepdaughter is telling lies
My ten-year-old stepdaughter lives with her biological mother. Each time she comes for a weekend visit with us, she tells me bad things about her biological mum that are mostly lies. I just found out that she tells her biological mum lies about us. My stepdaughter tells us that she wants to live with us, and she tells her biological mum that she wants to live with her. We just want her to be happy, but her biological mum admitted to us that she makes our stepdaughter feel guilty about moving in with us.
I am concerned about how this has affected my husband's daughter emotionally. I have a feeling that she is carrying a huge bundle of emotion and is just telling us and her biological mum what she thinks we all want to hear. I am at my wits' end about the lies. What advice do you have?
Your stepdaughter is fortunate to have a stepmother like you. She is also fortunate that the two families talk to each other, so that the lies do not stir up resentment.
One idea that I have is to discuss the lies in a relaxed way. For example, you could say: 'We have noticed that, when you come here, you have been saying some negative things about your mum that are not true. Your mum has said that you say some negative things about us when you go there. We wonder why you are doing this. Maybe you are trying to show your loyalty to each of us. It is not easy having two families. We want to reassure you that we love you - and we know you love us. We want you to be happy in both homes. Anyway, why do you think you have been doing this? Would you be willing to stop? Both your mum and we would like this to stop. What do you think?'
It is preferable to view this situation as a young girl's attempt to please and fit in, rather than a problem of dishonesty. What she probably needs most is a sense of security and belonging in both homes and reassurance that you want her to be happy in both places.
Finally, you mentioned that she was made to feel guilty about wanting to move in with you. I am not sure what that refers to. If you and the mum are somehow in competition or pitted against one another, it will tend to perpetuate your stepdaughter's need to play off both sides.
Why not chat to other iVillagers about parenting on the Step-Family Support message board. Take a look at some of the LIVE discussions happening now on the board:
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