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How can I be firm without losing my temper?

Jo Douglas, author of Toddler Troubles helps you stay calm and in control when your toddler is making you lose your temper

Being firm is necessary when you are trying to get your child to do something that he doesn't want to do. It is essential to stay calm and in control - you will be far more effective and think more clearly if you can keep your emotions well under control.

Losing your temper is admitting defeat, and then you feel ashamed of yourself for not showing more self-control. How can you expect your child to control his temper if you cannot control yours?

It is far easier to stay in control if you feel confident about what you are doing. Knowing how to approach a problem is the key. If you have a plan, then you have a sense of direction and can anticipate what is going to happen. You should use a variety of different strategies rather than sticking to shouting and pressure.

Ways to stop 'naughty' behaviour

• Distraction works well with younger children who have not developed the memory skills to push through a strong desire. They are more responsive to what is happening in front of them and they can easily forget if provided with another interesting object or activity.
• Ignoring your child's provocative bad behaviour can sometimes make it disappear. If your child tends to do something while looking at you with a smile or checks that you are looking, he is doing it to get a reaction. If you decide not to react then you really must control yourself and not react even when he has done it for the fourth or fifth time or he will learn that he really has to try hard to annoy you. Withdrawal of your attention is a very powerful tool and if your child suspects that you are upset and not responding he will feel more upset than if you shout at him.
• Prevention is better than cure in many instances with young children. Make sure that valuable or breakable objects are out of reach. Make sure that the environment at home is safe. Go to the checkout that doesn't have the sweets on display. Keep drinks and food in the kitchen so that they are not spread all over the carpet. Lock cupboards that contain precious or dangerous items.
• Tell him to stop so that he knows what you want. Be clear that you will make him stop if he carries on. Don't just nag and nag repeatedly, or shout across the room at him. Get up and either move him, take the object away or physically stop him from what he is doing. If you need to say 'no' then do, but stick with it.
• Removing him from the situation will avoid further problems. Take him to another room so that he is not tempted to carry on. 'Time out' involves removing your child from what he is doing and making him sit down on a cushion or a chair for a few minutes to calm down. At times, removing yourself from the situation is the best solution, particularly if you feel you are going to lose your temper.
• Providing rewards and incentives for good behaviour is probably the most useful way of encouraging your child to behave better.
• Telling him to carry on and do it more is a paradoxical way of stopping bad behaviour, but can be quite risky.

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