Learning how to play
Play is a vital part of children's lives as they grow up. It provides an opportunity to try out new skills and ideas; to imitate what they have seen; to work out their feelings, and to learn how to make friends and be in a social group. Playing with your toddler is also a very important part of your role as a parent. He needs you to watch and learn from, to check out what is safe, and for help when he cannot manage on his own.

While it's tempting to leave your child to play on his own while you get on with the list of jobs that needs to be done; you will find that you are continually interrupted when he needs help or that he will come and play under your feet to get your attention. Take the opportunity when it is presented to find the time to play with your child every day. You may have forgotten how to play if this is your first child, so sit and watch and gradually build up confidence as your child involves you in his activity.

Don't take over
Play is a time for learning, but don't always turn it into teaching. I have seen so many parents sit down to play with their children, only to fire a set of questions at them. 'What colour is the car?' 'How many cars are there?' 'Let's count the cars.' Your child wants to play; not answer questions which are irrelevant in his eyes.

It is also very easy to take over the play if you are not used to playing with pre-schoolers. You might be tempted to sort and categorise by putting all of the red cars together when all your child wants to do is push them around the floor, making 'brum brum' noises. Be careful about how you play and try to watch your child; reflect what he is doing and be responsive to his approaches to you. If you find that your child tends to wander off or plays with something else while you are playing with him, then think about what you are doing and whether he is being included in the play (Webster-Stratton & Herbert, 1994).

Handling aggressive play
Andy, a 4-year-old, worried his mother with the amount of anger and fighting he showed when playing with his toys. He had some animals and would always make the lion eat the others, and talked about legs and heads coming off and blood on the floor. He was obsessed with guns and would turn anything into a gun, often pushing it into her face and shooting her. He would throw soft toys on the floor and jump on them angrily as if trying to destroy them.

Playing with a child who is showing a lot of aggressive play can be upsetting. Research watching mothers playing with their aggressive children found that they tended to make value judgements about the play: 'Oh, that's a horrible thing to do', or 'That's not very nice'. They often tried to stop the play by removing the toy or changing the topic of the game, or left the child alone when they played aggressively (Landy & Menna, 2001). But mothers of unaggressive children were more likely to join in the play, even if it was aggressive, by taking a role. They were able to reflect their child's feelings and help damp down the aggression by keeping the child's feelings under control.

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Positive parenting