Don't over-generalise
The other key to developing a sense of self-esteem is how you define your child. Over-generalising when reprimanding a child will attribute bad characteristics that can stick.

'You never listen to what I say.'
'You are always such a naughty boy.'
'You've got a bad memory.'
'You are a very rude and bad-tempered girl.'

These statements are over-inclusive and make a personality feature out of an event. As parents, we have to remember to list the event or behaviour as a problem, not the child.

'I don't like it when you lose your temper, because you can be so helpful at other times.'
'I feel unhappy when you are rude to your brother.'

The opposite is not such a problem, but we need to be careful that the standard set is not too high and out of keeping with how the child feels. It is much safer to keep evaluative comments to specific instances and then you don't run the risk of imposing your evaluation of a good quality of the child upon them. It is safer to say, 'That's a great picture, you have painted it so well', rather than, 'You are such a good artist'.

Taking risks
The over-protective parent is the other obstacle in the way of a child's self-esteem and self-confidence. If you are a worrier and are overly-concerned about your child's safety and try to stop him taking risks of any sort, you could be interfering with your child's natural ability to explore and find out his own strengths and weaknesses. Over-generalisations, like a worried, 'Be careful', increases your child's worry rather than helping him to take more care. 'Do you want to hold my hand as you walk on the wall?' is more constructive and identifies to your child that you are available to help if he gets into trouble. As your toddler grows, he will want to be more independent. Your job is to help him through safe transitions so that he learns to manage by himself, become more self-reliant and confident. You need to let him go a little in order for him to develop and learn.

We all gain confidence by practising and doing. We all make mistakes but they are not the end of the world and we can often learn from them. So encourage your child to experiment and try new activities to deal with change and to be flexible enough to cope with what life throws at him.

More Toddler Troubles...

Excerpted with permission of the publisher John Wiley & Sons, Ltd. fromToddler Troubles by Jo Douglas. Copyright © 2002 by John Wiley & Sons,Ltd. This book is also available at Wiley Europe, or by calling 44-1243 779-777.

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Increasing your child's self-confidence and self-esteem