How can I be firm without losing my temper?

Ways to encourage co-operation
Clear, simple instructions. Preschool children cannot remember complex instructions with several things to remember. 'Go and fetch your shoes, your coat and your gloves,' includes three things to remember. You will be lucky if he remembers one. So keep your requests simple and easy. If you want your child to help put away toys, it is much easier for him to understand a specific request like, 'Let's put all of your cars in the box', rather than a general instruction to clear up - when he doesn't know where to put things.

Clear, positive consequences. 'Let's put your pyjamas on and then I'll read you a story,' gives a very clear indication to the child about the sequence of events. The consequence needs to be something that your child wants to do, as it is being used as an incentive. You may find that you actually say, 'If you don't put your pyjamas on, I won't read you a story,' which is a threat rather than a positive consequence. The problem with this threat approach is that it includes two negative statements. It points out to the child what he should not be doing and then threatens the withdrawal of a reward that he has not yet had. Stating the positive provides a much more co-operative and warm interaction between you.

Keep an eye out
Monitor co-operation. This means keeping an eye on whether he is doing what you have asked. We all too frequently make a request and then walk away because we have other things to do. We then find, 10 minutes later, that the child has not done what we wanted and feel cross that we have been ignored. When teaching young children to co-operate we have to stay throughout the whole process, prompt them and help them to do what we ask.

Reinforce all attempts at co-operation. Young children are often not skilled enough to do what we want perfectly. They lose their concentration, they forget what they are supposed to be doing, and they are easily distracted from the task. They need to be praised and congratulated for any effort they make in order to keep them motivated and to keep them on the job.

Physical and verbal prompts. In order to teach and help them co-operate, they may need gently reminding or physically showing what to do.

Humour, challenge and competition. Sometimes humour and saying the opposite gets the desired effect. 'I really don't want you to put on your pyjamas,' can have a miraculous effect on a child rushing around with no clothes on at bedtime. 'I bet you can't get into the car before Lucy,' will suddenly motivate a reticent 3-year-old who doesn't want to go shopping. Similarly, counting to three will help a child focus on speeding up or completing the job.

More Toddler Troubles...

• Keep your relationship revved up
• Positive parenting
• Stop problem behaviour before it starts
• Increasing your child's self-confidence and self-esteem
• Caring for more than one
• Nightmares and night terrors
• My child is a worrier
• Back to Toddler Troubles main page

Excerpted with permission of the publisher John Wiley & Sons, Ltd. fromToddler Troubles by Jo Douglas. Copyright © 2002 by John Wiley & Sons,Ltd. This book is also available at Wiley Europe, or by calling 44-1243 779-777.