Gay parenting

Am I ready to be fully 'out'?

Many gay and lesbian couples will be already be 'out' to a lesser or greater degree. But when you have children, that choice is often taken away. Children are not good with secrets and it's not good for children to be made to keep secrets. Once your child is at school it's only a matter of time before their friends, friends' parents, the school and the wider community know about your sexuality.

This wasn't an issue for Jan but it was for Alison. She says: 'Nobody at work knew that I was gay or that I lived with a woman and I wanted to keep it that way. As well as losing friends, I was genuinely concerned that it might influence my career prospects.'

Family and friends

But the biggest issues by far arose after the birth of baby Jake. After two treatments of IVF and six donor inseminations by their gay friend, Alison finally got pregnant and they were delighted.

Both Jan and Alison had taken the time to talk to their respective parents and close family members about their decision to start a family and had their full support. Most of their close friends were also very supportive but, much to their amazement, the biggest objection came from another lesbian couple.

Alison explains: 'Ellie and Margo were like role models to us and both Jan and I got loads of support from them. We talked to them about wanting to start a family and they were really helpful, but when Jake arrived they seemed to turn. We can only think that they're jealous and wish they'd made the decision themselves. But it's still very painful to have lost them.'

Telling the child

Deciding what to tell Jake as he grows up will be a constant challenge. Jan and Alison have had a lot of support from other members of the gay/lesbian community - particularly from www.prideparenting.com and www.pinkparents.org.uk, both of which support positive gay parenting. There's a lot of very practical advice available on helping children to grow up knowing 'their story' and suggestions on helping parents and children cope with the negative attitudes of others.

Alison and Jan know they've made a difficult decision to become a gay family, but the option of being childless would have been harder. Alison concludes, 'We love each other, all three of us, and we're very happy. We know that children need security, love, attention, affection and affirmation and being gay won't stop Jake from getting any of those things.'

Paula Hall is Clinical Director at www.TheRelationshipSpecialists.com, an online advice and therapy service for anyone struggling with relationship or sexual issues.