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Your parenting questions answered

Sue Atkins, iVillage's parenting expert, hosted a live online chat on 17 July, answering your questions about parenting problems. If you missed it, here is a selection of the topics that were covered

Obsessed with dummy

I gave my son a dummy when he was one month old to help cope with crying and now, 17 months later, he's still got it. I won't let him have it all day, but he is very attached to it.

He hides it around the flat and beetles off to retrieve one whenever he feels in need of comfort. If I take it away he's fine, but if he spots it he grunts, whinges and points until I give it to him. How can I get rid of the dummy?
tarabears

Sue Atkins: Dummies, bottles, teddy bears, soothers and cuddly toys, just like an old blanket, are really all about feeling a bit unsure in a busy world. My first piece of advice is to relax as children are so sensitive and are good at picking up your vibes. If you are relaxed then your child feels more relaxed and safe. So start by looking at new ways to help him feel more secure. Perhaps offer him his favourite toy instead of his dummy.

Some children like dummies when they're tired or anxious and some children suck their thumbs. It's about gently weaning your toddler off these things by perhaps 'losing' it occasionally or gradually limiting its use to bedtimes.

If your child kicks up a fuss breathe slowly and deeply and relax and just imagine a time sometime in the future when he doesn't have it and keep visualising that time. All children grow out of it eventually. Have you ever seen a 13-year-old with one?

Lots of parents have tried giving the dummy to Santa, The Easter Bunny or The Tooth Fairy and some exchange it for a really lovely special treat. One of my favourites is for the Dummy Fairy to come into his bedroom while he is sleeping and put a magic bag in his room. Then he can get up and put all the dummies into the bag and the Dummy Fairy can come back the next night and collect them all, replacing them with magical toys and sprinkling glitter everywhere. This takes you away from begging, pleading, bribing and harsh words.

Self-harming tantrums

I have two delightful children, one a daughter aged six and a boy of three. If my son wants something, or can't do something, or if I say anything wrong to him he throws himself into a heap and sulks. Distraction doesn't work one jot and with the best will in the world I can't always give in!

Sulking is one thing but he then starts slapping his head, banging his hand across his brow and marking himself. I have tried ignoring it but he still does it. I have wrapped him in my arms and explained gently that how it is ok to feel cross but that mummy would prefer he didn't hurt himself.

Yesterday he did it again and my daughter was trying to say to him in her wise six-year-old manner not to hit himself, so he started scratching his cheeks. I found this upsetting as he has never been treated this way by anyone in his life. I am beginning to wonder if he does have some little problem which needs addressing.

I have worked closely with children with special needs: physical, emotional and in abuse situations, and I am starting to think that my son has a problem. I have tried so many ways to stop him from hurting himself.
flower-mum

Sue Atkins: Handling and guiding children sometimes feels like disciplining jelly: wobbly with no set rules. It's tough trying to work out the best ways to handle your children as they are all so different. Toddlers and young children like to feel that they have some control over some areas of their lives and I just wondered whether this is your son's way to try and get some control over his environment. Here are some empowering questions that I hope will help you work out some new solutions:

• When does the troublesome behaviour occur? Notice specifically where, when, with whom and how it starts.
• What happens just before and just after?
• How do you behave? Step back and become an observer in the scene if you can as you can often get a real insight into what's happening from doing this.
• How could you prevent the behaviour or do something different from what you are currently doing? Just relax and let your imagination and unconscious work out new ways to handle the situation from now on.
• Start to notice what other parents do in similar situations and notice what works for them and try it with your son.
• What other resources could you tap into - books, internet, local groups to give you support or ideas?

Parenting kids, as you know, is not an exact science and I think it helps to relax and to remember to take care of yourself, not to be too hard on yourself either and not over react to his call for attention. Keep giving him lots of positive attention and praise and perhaps by keeping a temper diary you will notice some patterns that you can then start to change.

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