Fighting talk

• Know when to butt out. With minor squabbles, stay within earshot – but don’t watch. Children love an audience. Of course, you should intervene in a ganging up situation – or if there’s an imbalance of power and weight.
• Forget the birth order labels. It’s not helpful to say, ‘He’s only a baby’ or ‘Be a big, grown-up boy.’ Sometimes, the elder one deserves to be babied – and the younger can be encouraged to be responsible.
• Praise good, fight-free behaviour. Say, ‘It’s brilliant that you played together when I was on the phone.’ Let them know you notice the good stuff.
• Show that compromising doesn’t mean losing. Say they’re fighting over a toy: it seems like a win or lose situation. Help them towards a compromise: does one get the toy for five minutes? Can that child find something for the other? Or could one of them do something else – with you? You’re teaching your child valuable adult skills – that debate requires both sides to listen, and that bickering gets you nowhere.
• Don’t expect your child to share special things. My son Dexter was purple with rage when I ordered him to ‘share’ his Peter Pan outfit with his friend. The other boy’s mother later observed, ‘That’s like me asking if I could borrow your wedding dress.’ As Helena points out, ‘We have nutty ideas about sharing these days. Prized possessions are not for sharing’.
• Allow each of your children time with you – alone. Lots of squabbles are over you, your time and attention. If you can wangle it, Helena suggests taking children out separately on occasional outings.
• Remember that children cannot help fighting. Adult skills, such as figuring out alternatives to lashing out, do not come automatically.

‘Mum!’ yells Samuel, spotting me. ‘He – ‘
‘My brother smacked me!’ cries Dexter.

Time to leave the room. We have a little way to go yet, in the adult skills department.

Further reading: Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (Piccadilly, £7.99)

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