Parenting questions answered

Coping with shyness

When she's at home she chats to me all the time but often whispers to me if there is someone else in the room. She's been like this for the past two years although when she was aged three to four she would happily chat with lots of adults. She's an only child. My behaviour was a bit similar when I was little and I would just 'look through' people. How can I help? mossstitch

Helen Brown: I don't think you need to worry too much about your daughter. Not only is shyness very common among schoolchildren, it's particularly common at this age.

At about seven and eight, children start to think a little more subtly about differences between themselves and others, and quite often judge themselves pretty harshly. They also start to pick up on ideas like being embarrassed or saying the wrong thing or making a fool of themselves. And that all fuels a sudden shyness, particularly in front of adults they don't know so well.

Do try not to label her as shy, though. In awkward situations when she won't speak, don't say, 'Sorry, she's shy'. Say, 'She's a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I'm sure she'll come and chat when she's ready.' This way, you're taking the pressure off your daughter and giving her a way in when she's relaxed a bit. The pressure thing is key. That's probably why she won't talk to her friends while you're there. It's because you are (without meaning to) looming over her and expecting her to talk. I bet if you rooted around in your handbag or started talking to someone else, she'd relax a little and start chatting away.

Sorry, I don't mean it to sound like you're some kind of ogre; you're clearly not! It's just that sometimes our children feel a little daunted by our expectations (I know mine do).

I've got a biter!

My daughter is nearly 18 months old and bites me. I can understand why she does this when she's angry (it's actually quite funny when she gets cross and is looking for something to sink her teeth into) but it's the other times I don't get. We'll be having a cuddle and she'll bite my arm or shoulder really hard, often bruising me. Every time she does it I say a firm 'no' and put her down.

She knows she's done wrong as she hangs her head and will then (sometimes voluntarily, sometimes prompted) say sorry and give me a kiss. She also always rips my glasses off my face and now when I say 'no' she points her finger at me and says 'no' first. I think she's got the finger pointing from her daddy as I don't do that.

Anyway my question is, why me? She doesn't do this to anyone else. Also, people keep telling me her volcabulary is very advanced for her age. She's been able to do all her animal noises for a good three months and can sing the tune and passable words to Twinkle Twinkle, Bah Bah Black Sheep, Three Blind Mice and Ring-a-ring-a-roses.

How can I find out if she is vocally advanced and what, if anything, does this mean? stinny

Helen Brown: It's easy to get upset about biting - I know I did. My firstborn used to sink his teeth into anyone and everyone. It seems so shocking and horrible, doesn't it?

But the thing is, to a toddler, biting is no different to pushing or screaming or hitting. They tend to do it when they're frustrated by something and they don't yet understand that we adults see biting as being particularly aggressive and horrible.

And don't forget that it's wasn't so long ago that they were babies and used their mouths to explore so much of the world, chomping, sucking and chewing everything they could get their hands on.

You're right to tell your daughter she's wrong to bite and putting her down is a good physical demonstration of that. As long as you keep doing that - and take care not to let it become a game or a way of getting your attention - the message will sink in, eventually. I'm only sorry that your arms and shoulders have to suffer until then!

In answer to your other question: she does sound very verbal, which is lovely, but it's hard to say how much you can read into it. Children develop different skills at different ages and they keep catching up, overtaking and overlapping each other. Keep talking to her and having conversations/sing-songs and focus on really enjoying her verbal progression - it's a lovely stage. Oh, and incidentally, children tend to bite less once they can talk more!