Parenting questions answered

Defiant three-year-old

I have three children (and one on the way). Hope is six, Josiah is three and a half and Tobias has just turned two. My problem is with my middle son.

Josiah has always been a very stubborn, strong-willed child. From very early on it was clear that Josiah would do whatever it took to get his own way. Over time we've found ways of coping with his behaviour, negotiating when appropriate, and at times just having to put a foot down and tell him 'no'.

Recently it has got much worse. We've tried 'time out', removing privileges, taking toys away and not allowing him to watch his favorite programmes, but it really does not seem to work. His latest trick is just completely blanking whatever we are saying to him, he will just turn his back and pretend he can't hear a word. I make him turn around, get down to his level and speak to him, but he just takes no notice. Again, this results in a time out to think about it, but it only works for five minutes until the next time he refuses to listen to me.

It's got to a point where his siblings don't want to play with him, the games always have to revolve around him or he has a tantrum. You can imagine the affect this is having on family life, it just seems like we are in constant conflict with him. He knows the rules, he just will not follow them.

He's a lovely, sweet, affectionate little boy who we all adore, but his stubbornness and defiance is making life so hard for all of us, mostly him, because he seems to spend his life being told to calm down, listen and do as he's told. He's at nursery five mornings a week, which he loves. He's just as stubborn there, although not badly behaved, he just makes it clear that he wants everything to be HIS way. hopesmummy

Helen Brown: Sounds like Josiah is testing you all at the moment! First off, let me reassure you that three and a half is THE age for stubbornness and defiance, so you will not be the only mum in the country dealing with this!

Also, it often happens in larger families that the ones in the middle feel a bit squeezed of attention and opt for dramatic or defiant behaviour as a way of grabbing the spotlight. Add to that the fact that the realities a new baby on the way can shift or unsettle the dynamics of a family quite a bit and you can see why Josiah might be behaving as he is.

I do think you've been doing all the right things, though, which must be very wearing, what with your pregnancy and with your other children to look after, too.

I wonder whether it's worth trying completely ignoring him: he clearly wants to be noticed and he's finding that if he acts up, he gets loads of attention, even though it's mainly negative. Next time he turns his back, leave him to his own devices and find something really interesting to do with the other children. You may find he creeps back towards you all - in which case, do heap on the praise - 'I'm so glad you've come back, Josiah. Do come and play with us'.

Maybe it's also worth finding a 'special' job for Josiah to do with you - anything from getting the milk out of the fridge at breakfast time or clearing the plates to feeding the cat. Something only you and he do - really lay on the 'specialness' of it and how helpful and clever he's being.

I do wish you luck. I know how hard stubborn children are to live with at times. If it's any consolation, at least you know he will make his own decisions in later life and won't be persuaded into stuff he knows he shouldn't do by his circle of peers. And that could be a very good thing!