Parenting questions answered

Fibbing three-year-old

My three-year-old has recently started fibbing. For example, he fibs about whether he's been to the toilet and if he touches something and it moves, he instantly says it wasn't him. It is worrying me that a child this age would tell lies to his own mother. I thought that only teenagers did this. What do you think I should do? If I ignore the fibs will he stop doing it, or will it become a bigger problem (at the moment he only fibs about silly things, nothing major)?

My other son (age five) has never fibbed to me. He's 'Mr Honest' through and through. merith

Helen Brown: Your son and mine have the same peeing-fibbing problem! How weird is that? I've worked out that, with my son at least, it's because he just can't be bothered to do it! If I actually go up to the bathroom with him (which is a mighty pain) and stand there while he does it, all is fine. But leave him to his own devices and he says he's gone when he clearly hasn't. Could this be what's happening with your son? He is only little still and they do get so distracted.

As for the actual 'fib', I don't think it counts as an actual lie because it's not done with malice or even any real effort to deceive. All he's doing is trying to cover up a mistake or avoid your disapproval, which is not quite the same thing.

I suggest you do what always seems to work for me: offer him a chance to come clean. Say, 'I don't think that's true, is it? What really happened?' And then make sure his (eventual) honesty pays off. Make a big deal of thanking him for telling the truth and say how happy you feel now that you know what really happened.

Coping with nightmares

My best friend's four-year-old daughter has been having terrible nightmares. She wakes up screaming and crying most nights and is convinced there are monsters hiding under her bed and ghouls behind the curtains. She's only comforted by coming into her parents beds. What's the best way to deal with nightmares? I've been trying to reassure my friend that it's just a stage, but perhaps you've a few ideas of things she could try to help soothe her daughter. tarabear

Helen Brown: It is just a stage. Nightmares do tend to start between the ages of three and six, and tend to come in patches - every night for a week, then nothing for months, for example. Having said that, there are plenty of things your best friend can do to help soothe and comfort her daughter.

First, she should take her fears seriously, without making them worse, of course! Dreams about monsters and ghouls and so on are quite normal and are generally sparked off either by something the child has seen on television or read in a book.

So, don't tell her she's being silly but do tell her you're there to keep her safe. If she thinks there are monsters under the bed, don't make them more real by pretending to chase them away. Tell her instead that monsters only exist in films and books, so you know they're not under her bed, but you'll just have a look to make quite sure.

If she's scared of the dark, give her a dim nightlight or leave a light on outside her bedroom door. And wind down slowly to bedtime. No exciting DVDs or noisy games; just lots of calm talking, cuddles and gentle stories.

The most important thing of all, though, is that your friend stops her daughter coming into her bed. Not because it's 'bad form' but because her daughter needs to think of her own bedroom as a safe place.

So, when she wakes up from a nightmare, go to her quickly and reassure her. Stay calm and quiet (don't put the light on) and let her talk to you if she needs to. Turn her pillow over (to turn the bad dream away) and tell her she's safe and everything's okay. Stay with her as long as it takes for her to settle back down. You may have to comfort her for quite a while at first but, over time, you'll find she drifts back to sleep much more easily.