Parenting questions answered

Toilet training worries

My daughter Amy is two years and five months old and I don't feel she is wholly ready for toilet training. We've bought her a potty and we've had it downstairs but she won't tell us when she needs to use it. She'll either sit on it all the time, or not use it at all. Even with a nappy on, I ask her if she wants her potty and she says no.

What else should I look out for that she's ready to toilet train? madcatlady

Helen Brown: You're right, Amy doesn't sound ready for potty training. And, at her age, that's definitely not unusual. So leave it. Don't bow to pressure from anyone else. Trying to potty train a toddler who isn't ready is a damp and dispiriting business. I would never potty train a toddler unless I could tick off all of these:

• She's over 18 months
• She can say 'poo' and 'wee' and knows what they are
• She can follow simple instructions. Such as 'put the toy in the box'
• She often has a dry nappy an hour or so after you last changed her, or after a nap (a sign of increased bladder control)
• She can pull down her trousers and pants
• She knows the parts of her body and can point to them when you ask
• She's happy to sit on her potty

The signs are even better if she doesn't like being in a dirty nappy or likes things in the right place (lining up the toys on her bed, for example).

For now, though, keep the potty in the bathroom and casually suggest she sits on it before her bath. One day she may fill it by accident and, you never know, that may inspire her to take things further.

Feeding an almost one-year-old

My 11-month-old is determined to feed himself, making meals very long and messy. He stuffs weetabix, pasta, anything he gets his hands on, into his mouth! I want to encourage him to use a spoon or am I being too ambitious? Do you have any tips on how to help a baby use a spoon?

Also, at the moment he has three bottles a day. Should I drop the afternoon one now and give him a snack instead? tarabear

Helen Brown: The thing to hang on to, as you sponge yoghurt out of your hair, is that your son is enjoying his food. He may be flinging it everywhere but at least he sees meal times as fun and he's actually keen to eat. When he?s a fusspot toddler, you'll look back at these days with envy.

To preserve your sanity and to increase his chances of getting food into his mouth, I would suggest two plans of attack:

1. More finger foods. Make him mini sandwiches, vegetable sticks, chopped up sausages, fruit segments, cheese cubes. And just let him go to it with his fingers. Not only is it less messy, it will improve his fine-finger control, which will, in turn, help him use a spoon more accurately when he needs to
2. Give him a spoon (and take cover). Put newspaper under his highchair, bung him in a big bib, and make sure his spoon is child-sized with a biggish 'bowl'. You may want to hold the plate or pot for him so it doesn't slide about everywhere or even use another spoon yourself to make sure at least some food meets its target. It'll be a 'splatathon' for sure, but he's only going to learn by practicing. Do make sure you cheer, whoop and applaud all successful plate-to-mouth transfers. You need to keep mealtimes fun.

As for the bottles, the accepted wisdom is that, at 12 months, a baby only needs about 600ml (breast, formula or, from one year, cow's) milk a day. And that's including all the milk on his cereal and milk used in cooking and other dairy products, such as yoghurt and cheese. If you think your baby is getting more than that, then think about dropping one bottle. If it's any help, my three were all down to two feeds a day by this age.