Growing great boys

Biologically boys are wired for competition, and revel in competitive, physical sports. These are tests of strength, skill and vigour that bring boys great joy and teach them many valuable life lessons.

We might need to be wary of universally applying 'girls' rules' (things that girls enjoy) to boys. There is growing evidence to show that boys do better in boys-only schools, because they value the simple rules, the mentoring type of leadership and the freedom of boyish expression.

Boys and their emotions

Boys do actually have a rich emotional life, and we must work to protect it. The irony is that, in response to some of the extreme political correctness of the last few decades, a reactionary 'macho' culture has grown up among men and boys, glorifying the worst side of gang culture, video games and the media.

This one-dimensional glorification of meanness, bullying and violence means that the emotional life of many boys is stunted, or displays itself in stoicism or the putting on of a 'mask'.

We, as parents, need to foil this demeaning culture by being aware of our sons' lack of instinctive ability to interpret their emotions, and by training them to understand themselves and analyse their feelings.

Giving boys labels for their emotions from a young age will lead them towards much richer lives and opportunities for greater intimacy, as well as providing them with tools to process the bad things that happen.

Our three-year-old grandson recently visited a fun park with his parents. When asked on the way home how he enjoyed it, he replied, 'I was happy when we went down the waterslide, but I was sad when I went under the water.'

He may have actually meant 'scared' rather than 'sad', but his attempt to label his feelings is a good start in the healthy process of interpreting what's going on in his emotional life.

Evidence suggests that men and boys tend not to be as insightful about their feelings as girls. Boys sometimes act 'unfeeling' in order to protect themselves, and if they are treated as unfeeling they will become even more so. They need us to coach them into understanding their feelings and help them to identify the underlying belief, or what they are telling themselves, that leads to those feelings.

Extract taken from Growing Great Boys by parenting expert Ian Grant, published by Vermilion (£8.99)

For more information on Ian Grant, visit www.parentsinc.org.nz