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Another one on the way
To all intents and purposes, first children are ‘only’ children until you have another baby; so they naturally assume that you’re there to meet their every need, one hundred percent of the time. When they have to share you with a new baby, it’s likely to put their nose out of joint, and they’ll need time and help to adjust to the changes this new member of the family will involve. The trouble is it’s difficult to tell them exactly what to expect, because you don’t know – having another child will be new for you as well.
What and when do you tell them?
Having a baby may be a normal event for families, but remember that it’s a brand new concept for your oldest child. Even if your child is two and can’t fully understand what ‘having a baby’ means, it’s a good idea to tell them something about what’s happening, so that they feel involved. It’s probably wise to wait until the four-month landmark, when you’re past the risky miscarriage stage; but if early pregnancy makes you sick, tired or grumpy, you may need to explain your dramatic personality change. Even so, a child under three may just need to know that you aren’t feeling well.
It’s wise to be sensitive to their feelings at this stage. Imagine if your partner came home and declared, ‘Wonderful news darling, I’m going to have another wife… Of course, I’ll still love you. There’ll be plenty of love to go around. And it’ll be fun for you. You’ll have a playmate… and you can be a real help to me in looking after her…’ If you’d feel devastated in this situation, you can imagine how a toddler feels about sharing your love.
Questions and answers
There’s certainly no need to sit children down and do a major ‘baby talk’. Once you’ve announced the news, and explained that the bump is a growing baby, then it’s best to let your child ask questions, as and when they want to, and answer each enquiry as it crops up. Some children come up with a string of questions – ‘Is it a sister or brother?’, ‘Can I choose what I want?’ and ‘Has it got a name?’ Other children ask very few questions and are simply proud to announce, ‘We’ve got a baby in there’, as if this is one more impressive thing that mums and dads manage to do.
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