Parenting 

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Sharing problems

You are right that sharing is hard for three year olds and this is not just because of their age. When adults use the word ‘sharing’, we mean at least three different kinds of action.

• In playgroup, your daughter needs to learn to ‘take turns’ because the toys belong to the playgroup, not to any child personally.
• At home, these toys belong to your daughter and she is being asked to ‘lend’ them temporarily to visiting children.
• The third situation is when we ask children to share their sweets and then we mean that children should ‘give’ one to another child. The sweet or crisp does not come back again.

You can help your daughter to tolerate the home kind of sharing by talking with her before visiting children arrive: ‘What shall we get out for you all to play with?’ Some toys, teddies or books are special to young children – as important to them as a favourite jacket can be to us, or a beloved CD that would be impossible to replace. It is not fair of adults to require sharing of these special possessions, but it is fair to explain to children that the specials need to go away in the cupboard for the visit.

Turn taking at playgroup or nursery is also learned over time and adults have an important role to play in making it easier for children. Your daughter seems to have grasped that there is an issue around playgroup possessions but taking them quietly is not necessarily worse than making a grab. Why is this ‘sneaky’? Perhaps she wants to avoid a drama.

Both you and the playgroup teacher need to have a friendly chat with your daughter.

• Explain that everyone is allowed a go on the bricks, dolls or bikes. But there are ways to go about taking your turn.
• Perhaps explaining that she needs to ask for a crayon or whatever she wants and check with other children by saying ‘I need some bricks. Is that all right?’
• It is also fair that all children understand that ‘sharing’ does not mean having to disrupt your play immediately. It should be all right to reply, ‘I’m crayoning at the moment. You can have it when I’ve finished’ or ‘Don’t take my bricks from my building’. Adults should support this reasonable and polite approach.
• Some groups have sensible ideas such as a big egg timer for turn taking on the bikes or trolleys. Your daughter needs to hear about any special ways in this group.

Why not chat to other iVillagers about toddlers on the The Things Kids Say message board. Take a look at some of the LIVE discussions happening now on the board:

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