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Potty accidents due to stress?
My three-year-old was fully potty trained before my separation, but now she has very frequent accidents - two or three times a day. My family says I should tell her off, while her father says I shouldn’t get upset - that the accidents are just due to stress. I feel frustrated because I am not sure how to deal with this situation.
It is natural for your daughter to show signs of regression under stress. The break-up of her parents is highly anxiety provoking for her. Her whole world is changing. Help her to adjust to these changes by comforting her, not by ridicule. Help her with strategies to get to the lavatory, but do not make a big deal of her loss of control. And don’t embarrass her at a time when she is already feeling tremendous insecurity.
Think about going to parenting classes to establish guidelines for finding out what her needs are and how to respond to them during this period of change. Without seeking a different perspective, you are likely to repeat the parenting you received. If you do not explore other child-rearing which are based on empathy rather than control, your daughter could suffer a loss of self-esteem and show further signs of distress.
Be sure to separate your daughter's difficulties from your own self-esteem. Especially in this transitional time, it is crucial that you do not accept ridicule from your family about her behaviour. If they are not supportive in helping you comfort her and yourself, seek other more constructive help outside the family.
Give your daughter (and yourself) more time to adjust to an upsetting situation. Looking after yourself during this period is your best insurance that you will have the patience to comfort her when she is upset.
Your frustration may well be a signal to take care of your own needs first so that you can respond more positively to your daughter. As the stewardess says in the plane, ‘In the event of a fall in cabin pressure, put your own oxygen mask on before assisting your child.’ Clearly, without taking care of ourselves, we will not be able to help anyone else.
Why not chat to other iVillagers about potty training on the Sleep and Toilet Training message board. Take a look at some of the LIVE discussions happening now on the board:
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