Getting your kids to co-operate

Show them how they fit into the big picture
Your child is part of the whole family, and they need to understand their place in it. You might tell them that you can't take them out on Thursday; it may be their school holiday, but you've still got to go to work. But don't just leave it at that. Explain (helpfully, without lecturing) why the whole family benefits from you working. If you can, let them come to work with you for a morning and see what you do.

Why not swap jobs with your child for a day? (You might need to modify this approach a little, especially for a small child.) Get your child to cook the dinner, wash the car, do the cleaning or whatever you do, while you do whatever it is they do at the weekend. Do their chores for them, though, before you put your feet up.

The object of the exercise is not to be able to say "See! I work my fingers to the bone all day while you do nothing." It is to help them see how what they do fits in (or otherwise) with what everyone else does. Make it as fun as you can. If you have more than one child, let them assume collective responsibility for all your chores, while you do all theirs.

Set clear and realistic targets
How often have you said to your child, "You're going to have to clean the rabbit hutch out more often", or "Your bedroom's always such a mess: do something about it", or "Stop waking us up so early in the morning. Play for a bit by yourself first"?

We all do it, but we've only ourselves to blame when nothing seems to change. Of course they won't clean out the rabbit hutch more often - they haven't a clue what 'more often' means. Every day? Twice a week? And there's an added implication that you're not really bothered: if you were, you'd clarify what you want properly to make sure it really happened.

So if you want your child to improve their performance in some way, be specific. Maybe you reckon they should tidy their bedroom every Saturday morning. Perhaps they should start their homework by 5.30 every evening. They could aim to clean out that rabbit hutch once a week, at the weekend, and top up the sawdust every Wednesday. And you could set an alarm for 8 o'clock for your four year old to let them know it's OK to wake you up now.

Involve them
It's easy to leave our children out of what's going on, and expect them to follow on blindly. With small children this is especially true. We tend to stick them in the car without even telling them where we're going - and then get annoyed if they complain when we get there. But it's not surprising really that they resent being dragged off to places without a by your leave - how would you feel? Older children tend to ask for the information, but it still makes them feel unimportant (to you) if they had to ask.

Suppose you have a family problem. Say your children are getting old enough to have their own rooms but you're not sure how to fit them in. Do you move house? Divide a room in two? Build an extension? Whatever you do, involve the children. Explain the problem, and ask them what they think. They may have an idea you haven't thought of: "Why not convert the garage and I'll have a bedroom downstairs?" Whether you take their advice or not, if they've been involved in the discussion, they are far more likely to be motivated to go along with whatever solution you finally reach.

Kids & Co - Winning business tactics for every family by Ros Jay is published by White Ladder Press at £6.99. To order online with free p&p visit their website