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Saying sorry... successfully

by Amanda Alexander

We have all done it, peered down at our little one and uttered those words 'Now, say sorry'. But will they say it? And do they mean it?

Some experts would have us believe that up to the age of about seven children find it very hard to take the viewpoint of others, empathy is a skill still in its infancy and children at this age can still be very egocentric. Others would say that children as young as four can develop empathy and know when they have done wrong by others. Who are we to believe?

After giving this some thought, we wonder if it really matters what the experts think, surely we know our children best and what is important is the way we ask or expect a child to say sorry?

Sometimes we know when our child is sorry: A red face, a quivering lip... Is it then right to force them to squeeze out the immortal words? Does that achieve anything, or is it meaningless?

What could be a more positive response, a more emotionally intelligent way of dealing with this? Well, we could let our kids know that there behaviour was wrong, that it had a negative impact on others and that there is an alternative and help them think of that. We could firmly but gently reinforce the message that in our family when we hurt others we apologise and say sorry.

An apology gives us the opportunity to openly discuss and resolve conflicts. When we graciously accept an apology in front of our children we are teaching them how to be selfless and how to occasionally swallow one's pride in order to end conflict with a loved one.

In fact forgiveness is an essential part of the equation. Once we say sorry it is nice to be forgiven and to be able to move on.

Nine top tips

Make 'I'm sorry' part of your vocabulary. It's just as important for parents to say 'I'm sorry" to our partner and to our children when we get things wrong, as it is for us to teach them the importance of apologising. We all know how children mimic what they see, so give them something positive to mimic and you will teach them many valuable lessons, including truth, integrity, morality and forgiveness. Lead by your positive example.
Accentuate the positive. So often we focus on the things we need to apologise for and we forget to pay attention to the things we're doing right.
Don't be too hard on your children or yourself. When overused, saying 'I'm sorry' can lose its authenticity. Teach your children the importance of saying sorry by helping them to use it with meaning.
Let go of a grudge. Sometimes situations get to a point where neither person can say 'I'm sorry' because the disagreement has gone on for so long-or one or both of you don't even remember what the argument was about. Revaluate whether or not it's worth spending your energy holding on to your anger.
Accept the apology. When you receive an apology from your children, let them know that it is accepted. Apologies are important, but simply learning to say 'I'm sorry' is not enough. Learning to graciously accept an apology is just as important as the apology itself. Most importantly, by accepting the apology we are teaching our children the power of forgiveness.
Don't force sorry. When children are forced to say they are sorry, they learn that it's more important to say you're sorry than to tell the truth. They learn that saying a few insincere words easily dismisses people and problems and that they do not have to take responsibility for their actions. They also learn that there's no need to right a wrong. Just say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it and everything will be fine.
Learn to make sorry an action, not just a word. Teach your children to make amends and take responsibility for their actions. So if your child has just thrown their food on the floor, get them to clear it up, or if they are very young, get them to just pick up one piece.
Help siblings to say sorry to each other. Don't take sides, place blame, or ask who did what. Instead ask children, 'Is there something you want to say to each other?'
Don't let saying sorry lead to feeding negative behaviour. Sometimes young children in particular will do something 'naughty' to get your attention. Don't kill yourself extracting a sorry, but go back to the 'ignore the bad, praise the good' or use distraction techniques for minor infractions designed to gain your attention! Use praise in young children. When young children show they are sorry for having hurt a friend or sibling, reward them with praise. For example, give them a pat and say 'well done, that's being nice' or 'thank you'.

Information provided by
The Parent Coaching Company

About the Parent Coaching Company
We are the most established coaching company that offers professional support for parents. We work with parents who define excellent parenting in their own terms, care deeply about their children, and want better results in all areas of life. The Parent Coaching Company provides an extensive programme of one-to-one coaching, group coaching and workshops, covering topics such as 'Becoming the Parent You Want To Be', 'Raising Confident Children' and 'Positive Discipline'. We produce a popular free monthly newsletter.