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Talking about death
We have a daughter who is five and we’ve just learnt that her grandmother has cancer and may not have long to live. How do we go about telling our little girl about death and what help will she need when it comes to grieving for her
You are wise to think about your daughter’s loss as well as dealing with your own feelings. Young children are too often overlooked at times of serious illness or death in the family. Children feel loss as well, although sometimes distressed adults find it easier to believe that children do not understand or forget quickly.
You say that her grandmother may not have long to live. If her death is likely to be very soon, and especially if your daughter asks why Grandma looks so sick and tired, or why you are upset, it will be best to say that Grandma is very ill indeed. If your daughter asks if Grandma is going to die (and she may ask that question), then be honest and say she is so very ill that it is likely that she will die soon. Stress that you want to enjoy as much time as possible with her.
When the time comes, explain simply to your daughter that Grandma has died and is not coming back. Answer any questions she wants to ask, now or later, and be honest. If your family has a faith that makes you confident her grandmother has moved onto another plane of existence, then by all means say that is what ‘we believe’. But it is unwise to say Grandma has gone to heaven, if you do not believe this.
The loss of her grandmother may make your daughter scared that you may die too or even that she might be vulnerable. You can say that both of these are possible (being honest) but that it is very, very unlikely.
Be ready to talk about Grandma and recall happy times together, when your daughter wants. You can admit to be being sad, to crying for her, although it would not help your daughter to see you overwhelmed with distress.Cruse-bereavement care has some good leaflets on supporting children after bereavement. Contact them on 020 8940 4818. They also have a counselling helpline 0845 758 5565.
Why not chat to other iVillagers about parenting on the Mums of Children Aged 5 - 12 message board. Take a look at some of the LIVE discussions happening now on the board:
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