Parenting power: bringing up teenagers

Teenagers are at a time of life when they are separating from their parents. They are becoming their own people, with different ideas and values. Though this is healthy, it can bring them into conflict with their parents and lead to a stormy time for all. As we discussed in the last section, this period can be difficult for parents. teenagers can become challenging and demanding. At times they can become disrespectful and even abusive to their parents. It is not surprising that parents, hurt and bewildered by these exchanges, can react negatively by criticising, lecturing, rowing and even lashing out at their teenagers. This can lead to unpleasant scenes, like that described above, leaving both teenager and parent upset and hurt. So how can a parent handle this conflict? How can you stop things from escalating to a full-blown row? The first thing you can do is press the pause button. Rather than reacting to a situation or `flying off the handle', pause and ask yourself the following questions:

What is the best way to manage this situation?
What way do I want to respond?
What result do I want?

In conflictual situations, pressing the pause button may mean taking a deep breath and calming down when you feel yourself getting angry or about to react to a situation. It can be best not to continue the argument, which may lead to hurtful things being said, and to set a time later to talk things through when everyone is calmer.

Connecting with your teenager

When my children got older, I felt redundant. They had their own friends and lives. It became harder to understand them.

Parents matter

Often parents have the sense of being out oftouch with their teenager. Teenagers get caught up with their own friends and interests, and it is easy to feel distant from them and that you don't matter to them any more. Yet teenagers still really need their parents. Though they are growing up and separating from the family, they still need support, guidance and encouragement. They need parents who remain involved and interested in their lives. Young people need adults who can be there to coach them and act as their 'co-pilot' as they negotiate the problems they face in their lives. If you are unsure about the importance of your role in your teenager's life, you only have to consider the extensive research showing that teenagers whose parents stay connected and supportively involved in their lives are much more likely to grow into healthy, successful adults with fewer problems. Researchers have also found that children whose parents discuss issues such as drugs with them are 36 per cent less likely to experiment with drugs than children whose parents do not have these discussions. Staying involved in your teenagers' lives or having a connection with them does not mean knowing everything about them or learning things so you can control them. Teenagers need their privacy and distance and it would be inappropriate for them to reveal all their innermost secrets to their parents. Rather, having a connection with teen-agers is about knowing the ordinary details in their lives that are important to them, such as the names of their friends, their routine at school, the position of their team in the league, what their favourite dinner is, etc. When you know these mundane and ordinary details about your teenagers lives, not only does it mean that you are sharing in their lives, but it gives you an opportunity to influence them positively about other important matters such as drug-taking and safety.