Parenting power: bringing up teenagers

Building a connection with a child or teenager is not something that can be rushed or fitted into a busy schedule. The most important decision you can make is to set time aside when you can talk and be with your teenager in a relaxed way. This does not have to be a special activity or trip (though these can help). Mundane, ordinary activities, such as watching TV together, driving to school, mealtimes, washing up together, all can become activities where parent and child are happily chatting to one another.

Some parents find routine events of the day particularly helpful times to talk and listen to their children, such as when they come in from school, at mealtimes, or late at night just before they go to bed. Many families agree to make some of these times special, such as Sunday dinner, when everyone makes an effort to be there.

Be encouraging

Teenagers are often insecure and struggling with many pressures at school and from friends. The argumentative or sulky moods are only a front and they need more than ever the support and encouragement of their parents. It is important that this encouragement be given in a genuine way, as teenagers will be the first to shrug off any attention they consider to be 'phoney' or manipulative. Generally, encouragement works best with teenagers if it is matter of fact rather than 'over the top', and if it is specific and clear (whereby you clearly name what you are pleased about and how you feel about it). Remember, each teenager is different; what gets through with one teenager will not work for another. What is important is that you find a way of providing encouragement to your teenager about routine, everyday activities. Giving compliments to teenagers in a genuine way that gets through to them can make a difference:

Noticing if your teenager tries harder at school work
Casually thanking your teenager when he does a chore, rather than taking it for granted
Complimenting teenagers on their appearance or what they're wearing

Going out of your way to look for positive things does not come easily to most of us. We are not used to it, and praise can be hard to give, particularly when there has been conflict or things have not been going well with a child for some time. But that is probably the most important time to be positive and to notice even small signs of improvement. For example, if your teenager is normally grumpy with visitors, but on one occasion, behaves more positively, you could say, 'I appreciate it when you talk with my friends, it means a lot to me when you take an interest'. Or if a teenager normally gets into a row with his sister, but on one occasion walks away, you could say, 'I was impressed with how you handled things with your sister earlier. You didn't get wound up and avoided a row.

Responding to your teenager's initiative

One of the greatest opportunities to connect with teen-agers is to respond to any initiatives they make to talk with or connect with you. Often they choose inopportune times, when you're busy or when you're tired or just about to go out and do something yourself. However, it's worth weighing up in these situations what is really important -the tasks you're busy with or your relationship with your teenager. While you can sometimes postpone responding to your teenager, it can be really helpful to respond there and then, especially if your teenager does not usually open up or try to make a connection with you. It can be a case of making sure to 'seize the opportunity'. Consider the following examples:

If your son asks for help with homework and you're busy, try to give a little bit of time and then set aside another time to help
If your daughter suddenly opens up one night because her boyfriend split up with her, this might be a time to postpone going to bed and to stay up and listen
If your son wants to watch a favourite TV programme and you're reading, it might be a good idea to postpone your reading and to watch the programme with him
If your daughter asks you a personal question when you're reading the newspaper, you can put down the newspaper for a few minutes and try to listen and answer the question
If your son asks you for a lift, rather than lecturing him about'not being his chauffeur', use the journey as an opportunity to listen and talk to him

What teenagers think about

So what do teenagers think about? Below are the sorts of worries that teenagers have reported as most concerning them.

Will I make friends or will anyone like me?
Will anyone fancy me or ask me out?
How come I don't fit in with others?
What should I do about drugs and alcohol?
Will I do okay in the class exams?
Will I ever get a decent job?
What should I do with my life?
How can I please my parents / get them off my back?

Teenagers also tend to have strong views about how they should be parented and about what they want from their parents.

They want their parents to trust them and have faith in them.
They want privacy.
They want to talk to their parents about some things but they don't want to tell them everything.