Parenting power: bringing up teenagers

Below are three styles of disempowering parenting that you can easily fall into, despite the best of intentions. Each of these styles cultivates irresponsibility in teenagers and does not prepare them for the task of being an adult.

Over-protective parent:

Doing everything for your teenagers, for example, waking them up in the morning, making their breakfast and lunch, tidying up for them, washing their clothes, covering for them when they miss homework etc.

Critical parent:

Nagging, correcting, instructing teenagers over every task without giving them space and responsibility - for example nagging them to do the learn and then standing over them while they do it, even criticizing their attempts.

Permissive parent:

Giving your teenagers excessive 'space' so that you are uninvolved and have little influence in their lives (meaning they learn little from you).

Parents caring for themselves

There was a man working furiously in the woods trying to saw down a tree. He was making very little progress as his saw was blunt and becoming blunter with each stroke. The man was hot and frustrated and continued to work harder and harder. A friend of his noticed what was going on and he asked him, 'Why don't you stop for a few minutes so you can sharpen your saw?'. 'Don't you see.' replied the man, 'I'm too busy sawing to take any time off.'

So many parents become martyrs to their children, devoting all their time and energy to the task of parenting, without thinking of their needs and wishes. Other parents become excessively focused on the problems and conflicts they have with their children and all their energy is spent disagreeing with their children or correcting and rowing with them. In both these positions, not only is the parent liable to burn out from stress and exhaustion, but their parenting becomes increasingly counter-productive and negative. In the first example, the parents can become resentful and/or can become rundown, with little energy to relate to their children in a consistent, loving way. In the second, example, the correcting approach is liable to increase the power struggle between parent and teenager, and may lead to more rebellion, until either parent gives up or the teenager walks out. As the story above suggests, it is crucial to take time out to 'sharpen the saw'. Parents should 'press the pause button' and take time to look after their won needs as well as attending to the needs of their children, When parents' own needs for care, comfort and fulfillment are met, they are freed up to attend fully to their parenting role. Children need cared-for parents as much ads they parents to care for them. The best way to help your child grow up to be confident people with high self-esteem is for you as their parent to model this - that is, to take steps to value, love and prioritise yourself. You may protest that in your busy life you simply can't afford to take time out for yourself. The reality is that you can't afford not to. Think about the times you have been run down or exhausted or feeling low and how it was impossible then to do any of the 'more important' tasks. Remember the times you felt energetic and good about yourself and how easy it was too achieve things and to be kind and loving to others. A little bit of self-care goes a long way.