Teens at home

Freedom and privacy
Just as you value your freedom and privacy so too does your teen. Always knock before entering their room - you should really start this from age nine or ten.

Don't listen in to their phone conversations.

Although you should know who their friends are and make a welcoming atmosphere in your home, you should not quiz them about every move they make. For basic safety you always know roughly where they are and what time they'll be home. And they should give you a courtesy call if they're running late.

On a practical level, keep a note pad by the phone or in the kitchen where you write each other notes about your movements. There's a big difference between such basic safety measures and intrusion into their right to privacy.

However, all this changes if you suspect they are unhappy, being bullied, drinking, taking drugs, or having sex too early. If you have such worries, sit them down and talk them through. Hysterics won't help, where a confident tone of voice will.

If you find your child has been doing something like truanting, or taking drugs, then their privileges should be curtailed, and their freedoms more limited, and you may consider getting advice from a professional.

When it comes to having friends visit, as a group they may want to socialise in your child's bedroom. However when it comes to boyfriends/girlfriends, do encourage an open bedroom-door policy, or for them to stay in the family areas.

Sibling relationships
The most important rule for generating positive and harmonious sibling relationships is to be fair. Children have different temperaments and this is particularly true during adolescence.

• When complimenting one of your children ensure you do the same to the other
• When trying to sort out sibling rows get an egg timer and give each child two minutes to explain themselves without interruption
• Don't allow them to swear or use put-downs against their sibling, instead encourage them to describe the situation and what's caused the disagreement as if they're writing it in an essay for a teacher. When you generate respectfulness even during a disagreement you'll get much further in resolving differences
• Take what each child claims to be that 'truth' with a pinch of salt. If they see they can't pull the wool over your eyes, they're less likely to try!
• Never compare your children to each other. If one child is better at doing their school work it's tempting to ask your other child, 'Why can't you be like your brother/sister?' Such remarks are the quickest way to generate friction between them

Family communication
Positive family communication is based on a mutually respectful atmosphere where you actually listen to what each other has to say. It's easy to feel that with your years of experience you know what's best. This may be true! But the quickest way to stop the flow of family conversation is to always be right without listening to what your team has to say.

An atmosphere of blame will also prevent good communication. If every time something goes wrong a culprit has to be found, this can actually generate a very negative atmosphere. People do have to take responsibility for their actions, but pointing the finger of blame at every tiny little incident can take things too far.