I have a 15-year-old daughter. She is a good student, in the top ten per cent of her class and she has never been disrespectful toward us. However, I hate the way she dresses. It is weird!

She has green hair and black lipstick! She is sloppy and her hair always looks dirty. The boys who are attracted to her look equally peculiar. She is really pretty, but she is so intent on looking bizarre that I'm embarrassed to be seen with her. I have read many articles on raising a teen and they all tell me that my teen is normal, but I still feel upset. If she's normal, why does she look so different?

answer

Your daughter is clearly bright and a fairly co-operative teenager. She follows rules at school and at home. The only area where she is causing you concern is her individual taste in appearance. Perhaps you should consider yourself lucky!

Adolescence is a time of separating from parents and yet depending upon them simultaneously. Competing needs for independence and dependence make this period an inevitable hotbed for conflict in the family. Teenagers handle this transition in their families in a variety of ways, including experimenting with dress that defies parental standards. Can you remember a time when you acted or dressed in a way that your parents couldn't understand? It is your daughter's job to express her individuality.

She must find a sense of 'belonging' that encompasses her originality. Perhaps this is what her current dress style satisfies. The fact that she has followed the rules for success academically is an indication that she will likely show good judgment when it is time to apply for a job she wants to get by dressing appropriately. Rest assured that you have done a great job in giving her good values and no doubt real common sense, to boot.

Why not chat to other iVillagers about teenagers on the Parents of Teens message board. Take a look at some of the LIVE discussions happening now on the board:

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My good teen looks weird