Coping with the devastating loss of your baby

For the mother

Coping with bleeding (lochia)

This is your body's way of removing blood and placental tissue from the womb. It may gush or flow evenly, like a normal period. As your womb heals, the bleeding will turn from red to pink and, eventually, to yellow-white. This could take from two to six weeks, although the red flow should last no more than two weeks. If you exert yourself too soon, the red flow may restart, so be sure to rest.

Use either your hospital maternity towels or modern towels that will cope with the heavy flow (e.g. Always Maxi Overnight). Wings will keep them firmly in place. DO NOT USE TAMPONS as this risks introducing infection to your womb.

Call your midwife or GP if you soak more than one towel an hour, your bleed remains heavy/bright red after the first week, returns to bright red four or more days after birth and doesn?t improve with bed rest, has large clots (bigger than a 50p coin), or if you feel ill or feverish.

'I had no idea about it and had to research it on the internet to see how long it was going to last.' walshy2005

'My midwife told me that I wouldn't get after pains as Hugo was so small. But I did for about a week afterwards, just like a 'normal' pregnancy.' Kate, GP

If your milk comes in (lactation)

Not everyone's milk kicks in. It depends on many things, including gestation. If it does, ask your midwife for tablets to help stop you producing milk. Some ladies have reported that it made them feel unwell. An alternative is to take painkillers and soothe your breasts with gel pads that you chill in the fridge or freezer then wear in your bra (e.g. www.mothercare.com, item code n0098). The relief is incredible. If you can't face Mothercare, chilled Savoy cabbage leaves work well. Midwives recommend this method.

The side effects of Cabergoline are minimal when taken as a one-off dose to prevent milk (although it does have a few side effects for prolonged use, e.g. for treating tumours).

'Mothers who have had a perinatal death, late miscarriage, or had a late termination of pregnancy, must be warned about milk production and suppression of lactation considered. Cabergoline is the drug of choice for suppression of lactation.' Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists

'One of my bugbears is that not all women are offered something to stop the milk. Modern drugs have fewer side effects than their forebears, although side effects can still be experienced.' Kate, GP

'I didn't know you could get a tablet to stop the milk coming in. When I asked, I was told no. It came in with a vengeance and stayed for ages; the final insult from Mother Nature.' Angela

'It only lasted a few days but it was really painful. My breasts were full, ready to feed a baby that wasn't there. I was told don't touch them, don't relieve the pressure as it will only stimulate them to produce even more milk.' pokem02

'Ask at the hospital if they will give you something. When I had Josie, they gave me tablets to stop my milk coming in. To be honest, it was the least of my concerns but I'm so glad I didn't have to go through that as well.' josiesmum

You might need to get a new bra, generally a size bigger. Try www.mothercare.com and find catalogue code a0055.

'I went to Mothercare and just ignored the bumps. They weren't important. What was important was getting the right bra. I asked to see a bra fitter and told her my baby had died. She sobbed. She was so understanding. It was her idea to get the black/white pack; she thought ahead to the funeral.' pokem02

'Buying bras is surprisingly traumatic. I went to one of our local shops to get fitted and I ran out of the shop in tears as I couldn't explain why I was wearing a maternity bra and no baby to show for it.' josiesmum

The postnatal check (usually around six weeks)

The postnatal check is usually around six weeks but you don't have to have one. It's generally with your GP and is all about your health, as your baby's mother, and how you are feeling. It's separate to any follow-up appointment that you may have with your hospital consultant, which will be an opportunity for you to ask about your baby, the care, what happened and how can it be prevented if you try to conceive again.

If you don't want to attend a mother and baby clinic, just make a regular appointment to see your usual GP. Having it in normal surgery time will mean you're less likely to bump into pregnant women and new babies. Book a double slot if you think you'll need an internal (if you're having unusual bleeding or discharge etc).

It's a good idea to take a list of questions with you and you can ask about general health matters; any aches, pains or stiffness, swelling, puffiness, anaemia, hair loss etc, all of which are very common after childbirth. You can also ask about help for sleeplessness, depression and counselling at this appointment.

'My husband and I talked to our GP about how we both felt, my physical aches and about trying again. After many tears, I asked what was the point of the check as I didn't have a baby? She said it's to see how you feel and discuss contraception. So yes, I did have a proper postnatal check and it was comforting to know I was being treated just like any other mother.' pokem02

'The hospital care continued after Ellie's death. The community neonatal nurse phoned me several times and left messages on the answerphone. Eventually, I plucked up the courage to answer the phone and talk to her. She came out to see us both about four times. It would have been more if we'd wanted it.' Sue