Coping with the devastating loss of your baby

At the hospital

You might be assigned a bereavement midwife or neonatal nurse who will look after you as a family during your stay. You can call them if you want to see your baby again at the hospital.

'We were told that Ellie's NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) nurse had been allocated to us that day, and we could stay for as long as we wanted.' Sue

'Our nurse made sure that everything we left stayed with Frankie and she even taped our hair clippings to her dress.' pokem02

Don't be scared

Some women are scared of their baby. Some worry about what their baby will look like if born sleeping. If you feel scared, don't feel bad, it doesn't mean that you don't love your baby.

'When Jack was being born, I didn't dare look. I didn't know what to expect so kept my eyes shut. When the midwife asked if we wanted to see him we said yes, because we knew we'd regret it if we didn't. When she brought Jack to us in his little moses basket, I remember peering over and feeling so scared, but when I saw him, all my fear went, he was a perfect and tiny little baby.' walshy2005

Holding your baby

Some women want to hold their baby straight away but some feel they can't. Some worry that they may hurt or damage the baby. How you are feeling is normal so, if you're uncertain, ask your nurse. We doubt you will ever regret holding your baby.

'When I was on my own with her, I held her at the window to show her the world from our room - it was a beautiful crisp February morning and the sun was shining - just me and Caitlin and I sang her a lullaby. Only her and me and for a moment. It was beautiful. I had my baby and she had me.' Angela

'I needed to see her eyes, just the once, so I opened one eye a little, and they were a beautiful blue. I don't regret doing it and her Daddy doesn't regret not doing it. He felt it was mucking her around too much.' pokem02

'I didn't know I could open her eyes. I always wonder what colour they were. When I got her post-mortem results and read that they'd examined her eyes, I felt even more cheated. They'd seen them and I hadn't.' Angela

Bathing and dressing your baby

Many hospitals understand that you may want to bath and dress your baby. You may have clothes ready or, if your baby is premature, hospitals will supply clothes for you. If you can, you might want to take photos to record every moment for the future.

'I wish I'd seen Thomas completely naked. He was given to me wrapped up then taken away and washed and dressed so I never saw him naked. I often look at my other boys in the bath and I think how well I know them but I know so little of Thomas.' bethybabes

'I undressed my son and cuddled him with no clothes on. I wanted to remember every little bit of his beautiful body. I worried what the staff would think but I'm so glad I did. It's one of my favourite memories, having that cuddle with my boy.' sad2005

'I regret not dressing Hugo in tiny clothes. I still worry that he'll be cold.' Kate

'The midwife dressed her in a little outfit we'd bought for her the day before, booties that my partner's mum had knitted, and we wrapped her in a shawl my mum had made. Our son had chosen a tiny pink teddy for her and that was put in her moses basket. So there was something from everyone with her.' josiesmum

'I didn't know I could bathe her. I didn't see her naked or even with her hat off (her head was squashed as she came out and I wasn't brave enough to open my eyes for a while). I know she had dark hair because I have a lock but I don't know how much. I never saw her without her hat.' Angela

'Something I regret is that I didn't change his clothes more. It all boils down to not wanting to do too much to him. I don't have many items of clothing that he wore and I wish - like everything else about him - I had more. I wish I'd popped a pair of socks on for a couple of hours then changed them. I wish I'd told his grandparents to stop off at Mothercare on the way to see him and bought a blanket that they could have cuddled him in and kept.' sad2005

Blessing your baby

Hospitals usually have multi-faith places of worship.

'We had a blessing and naming ceremony shortly after she was born. Both sets of grandparents were there with us. It happened within an hour of her birth. Just ask to do what you want and the hospital staff will hopefully let you have your own way. It was good that our mums could hold their granddaughter.' josiesmum

'Our midwife, David was great. He explained we could have Casey blessed by the hospital chaplain, he took his hand and footprints and weighed him for us.' katrina_dionne

'Frankie was blessed two hours after she died, the Chaplain waited until the exact minute to start the service. We asked our midwives from the antenatal, delivery and NICU wards to attend and they were all honoured to. We all had a cuddle and we all cried, including the Chaplain.' pokem02