Coping with the devastating loss of your baby

The funeral

If you choose cremation and don't have a post-mortem, you'll need 'Forms B and C' from the hospital. This is so that two independent doctors can verify the cause of death, as it won't be possible to investigate later if there is any doubt. If you don't get one, don't worry. Your Funeral Director will get this for you.

'Make sure it's what you want. This is your baby, your loss, what you want to do is most important. Express how you feel with the funeral. It's not about what other people want, it's about what you want for your precious baby.' josiesmum

Don't feel pressured or rushed

The hospital may offer to arrange the funeral for you but you can arrange it yourself. There's no rush for a decision either. Your baby will be kept safely at the hospital until you decide.

'We were daunted as neither of us had ever arranged a funeral. We just phoned a Funeral Director from the phone book and the lady who answered cried so our choice was made. We threw ourselves into making the funeral special. The Funeral Director was so helpful and arranged everything, even pink balloons which we released after the service. It was perfect.' pokem02

'Parents can choose their baby?s funeral, regardless of the gestation they are born at. I lost Casey before 24 weeks so I didn't get a birth or death certificate and the hospital implied that our only option was for them to arrange his cremation with other babies. But, once home, I knew I wanted him to be buried near us so we had somewhere to visit. The hospital chaplain helped us.' katrina_dionne

'I felt sick on the day of Frankie's funeral but we were determined to celebrate her birth. There's no denying we were glad when it was all over, but we'll never see her christened or get married, so we made it a really memorable day for her. We toasted her birthday with champagne.' pokem02

If your baby is stillborn before 24 weeks

'Anyone who wishes to make their own arrangements may do so. There is also the option to bury at home, provided that certain criteria have been fulfilled. Contact with local authorities to discuss issues relating to this option may be necessary.' From the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists Good Practice no. 5 'Pregnancy Loss before 24 Weeks Gestation' (Jan 2005)

'I was told by one midwife before we lost Thomas that the hospital would dispose of him if he was stillborn as he was pre-24 weeks. It upset me so much that I spoke to another midwife and she explained to me about funeral arrangements etc, which made me feel so much better. I have also since found out that you can bury a pre-24 week old baby anywhere you want, the hospital can't make you leave your baby behind. You do have to get permission to bury your baby from the Environmental Health department but it can be in your garden, for example. Hospitals are very good at making us feel as if our babies don't belong to us when the truth is, that they are our babies and once we have given birth to them we can do what ever we want with them.' bethybabes

A hospital service

Ask what sort of funeral the hospital offers; cremation or burial?

Will your baby be buried in a private or a communal grave?

Will your baby be cremated alone or with other babies? Will there be any ashes? And will the ashes be returned to you?

'We let the hospital arrange Reece's funeral, it was just graveside as neither of us wanted anything religious after everything we'd been through. There were no hymns. Richard carried Reece from the car and then I did a reading and a poem. It was simple but exactly what we wanted. I was amazed that I managed to get through it, but it was the last thing I could do for my baby so I found the strength. My only regret is not asking how Reece would get to the cemetery. The Funeral Director told us Reece would meet us there so I assumed he'd be in a funeral car but when we got there his coffin had just been placed in the boot of the car. It had been lined with a blanket but it still broke my heart.' Ann

Your baby's coffin, moses basket or crib

Here are some ideas for things you might want to put in with your baby. If you buy toys or lockets etc, you might want to buy two of everything so you can keep one in your baby's memory box.

• photos of you
• locks of your hair
• toy
• flower
• poem
• letter or card
• locket
• religious symbol e.g. cross, St Christopher

'My husband carried Jack and Isabelle's coffin into the church and to the burial plot. I was honoured that he wanted to do this. I'd carried Jack and Isabelle from the start of their lives and now my husband was carrying them on their final journey. As he did so, two butterflies fluttered past. When the coffin was being lowered into the ground another flew past. Now whenever I see a butterfly I think of my twins.' walshy2005

The Funeral Directors

'If people choose to have their baby at a Funeral Directors, they can take their own moses basket for their baby to lie in. It's important people realise that it's up to them how things are done and how and where their baby is cared for before the funeral. Things have changed since the 60s and 70s.' sad2005

'The Funeral Director's hadn't had a baby funeral before and they didn't like the thought of her being in a coffin too soon so they bought a moses basket for her. We were able to go there whenever we wanted and I dressed Ellie in a little outfit my mum had made for her.' Sue

Something to know about cremation

You might be told that, if you cremate a baby, you may not get any ashes. Ask your Funeral Director or crematorium for advice.

'I wish we'd checked the reason why we didn't get ashes. I've since found out it is the temperature at which the crematorium burns the caskets which determines whether there are ashes to collect or not. Our crematorium used the same temperature and time for a baby's coffin as for an adult's so there was hardly anything left. They scatter what little there is in the Garden of Remembrance. Other crematoriums have a lower temperature and shorter time for babies so you have some ashes to collect. Had I known this then, I would have tried a different place so I would have had ashes to scatter myself where I wanted them to be.' bethybabes

'Frankie was tiny but we still got ashes. Fortunately we'd been warned to ask the crematorium, as she was so small. They promised we'd get something. But we still put extra items in her coffin just to make sure. It was so important. We interred her in the Babies' Garden, just the two of us, in a private ceremony so we know where she was and we can cover her with flowers.' pokem02

'We were warned that there would be very few ashes, but we did get a casket back and we then brought Ellie home. Ellie's casket was at home with us for about six weeks but I worried about leaving her on her own if we went away, so eventually we decided to find a special place to bury her ashes. We found a beautiful memorial garden where we were able to bury her casket, just the two of us, and where she has a headstone.' Sue

Floral tributes

You don't have to have floral tributes, or you can request that they are from family only or you can request donations instead.

'We had donations in lieu of flowers. We put a small posy on the coffin and also a teddy that our son's friends had given him for her. But we asked that family and friends didn't give flowers. Everyone feels differently about flowers, but it's okay not to have them.' josiesmum

'We only had flowers from immediate family or donations to the NICU. We asked them to Gift Aid their donations (just complete a form) so the charity could reclaim the income tax on it.' pokem02

The service

This doesn't have to be religious, there are other options. A Humanist will talk sincerely about your baby, your loss and your grief in a fitting way. They can plan and conduct a personal and dignified funeral ceremony, with time for quiet reflection.

You don't have to have hymns. You can choose whatever music you feel is right, pop or classical. Your Funeral Director will help and advise you all the way. Lastly, don't be afraid or embarrassed about crying, it just shows how much you love and miss your baby. Most likely, everyone else will be crying too.

'We travelled to the funeral in the limo with Ellie on the seat with us, something suggested by the Funeral Directors. It just felt right.' Sue

'My partner carried Josie's coffin into the church, and one of his brothers carried her out. The Funeral Directors would have done it otherwise.' josiesmum

'I wish Paul had carried Thomas' coffin to the altar.' bethybabes

'Chris carried Ellie in, and we both carried her at the end of the service.' Sue

'We're not religious but we asked a vicar to hold Frankie's service. He just read her blessing prayers, first said after her death, and then a tribute we'd written to Frankie. We didn't have hymns as absolutely everyone was crying.' pokem02

'We didn't have hymns at Josie's funeral, so there was nothing to put on an order of service card. Instead we had an A5 card made, with her name on one side and then a poem from us and one from my mum and mother-in-law on the other. It meant that we had a memory of the service to put in her memory box, and something for other people to take away with them. We designed it and the Funeral Director arranged for it to be printed. My mother-in-law actually read her poem out at the service. We were offered the chance to read a poem, or say something. We didn't because we didn't feel up to it. Again, no regrets that we couldn't speak, but it was too traumatic at the time.' Josiesmum

'My mum read a beautiful poem. I have no idea how she managed it, she was just determined to do it.' Sue

'At his funeral, I couldn't say anything, I couldn't stop crying. There were no poems, hymns, only our tears. I wish we'd been able to say something so we're going to 'invite' everyone to his graveside the weekend before his due date (just can't face anyone on the day) and ask them to bring a white balloon each to let go. I would love to be able to say something for Nomie, but just thinking about it makes me cry again, so don't know what to do.' carolyntracymcallen

'At the graveside, the priest had bought some white roses and instead of throwing soil in we all threw rose petals - that was so gentle. I'd been upset to think about her wee white coffin getting dirty. The white roses seemed just the perfect idea. I was so glad he had thought of it. It was perfect.' Angela

'We asked the vicar not to close the curtains around her after her service. Instead, the family went up to her coffin and together we lit candles and covered her with flowers, which the Funeral Directors had given to everyone on their way in. Some people kept theirs which was lovely.' pokem02

'For her funeral I was upset that the priest had suggested we have it in the Funeral Directors and not the church but afterwards, I realised it was the right decision. The church was so large it would have been worse to see her tiny wee coffin there. The Chapel of Rest was so much more personal and intimate for our friends and family who had joined us.' Angela

Costs

Many Funeral Directors, crematoria, and religious officials offer their services for simple baby funerals without charge. You'll need to pay any gravedigger's fee and for any memorials (e.g. headstone). You might also need to pay for petrol to collect your baby from hospital and any extras at the funeral (urn, flowers, balloons etc).

'We had to pay a £50 grave digger's fee for Jack and Isabelle's funeral. All other fees were waived.' walshy2005

'Frankie's funeral was all without charge. We'd have been charged for extras but we opted for a simple funeral.' pokem02

'Our Funeral Director did everything free of charge. He put us in touch with the vicar who again gave Casey's funeral free of charge. All we had to pay for was his headstone.' katrina_dionne