Sex after pregnancy
Sex after giving birth may be the last thing on your mind, but at some point you're going to want to get back in the saddle. Author and maternity therapy expert Rachel Foux addresses your concerns
Extract taken from The New Mum's Guide to Sex (Fusion Press)
The non-stop physical demands of parenting has to be top of the list of what is stopping you from having regular sex and I'll be offering you many suggestions to get around this from now on. But what motivates us to get back into it in the first place?
My theory is that we are too quick to rush back into the sexual habits we had before we had our children, rather than trying to find new ways of being intimate together. Ways that are compatible with our lifestyle as parents. Sorry guys, but it's dads in particular who want to get things back to how they were before the baby, and who can blame you? Mums, on the other hand, have a multitude of reasons that motivate them to getting back into sex, such as:
- 'I feel guilty that I don't really want to but I should.'
- 'I feel bad that I'm not giving him any attention.'
- 'I feel that it's my duty - what else am I contributing?'
- 'I need to find out if it's all working down there.'
- 'I should keep up with my friends and with what I read in magazines.'
- 'I'm trying to get back to how it was before.'
- 'It will help me to find out if I'm still a woman, not just a mother.'
- 'I'm doing it to make sure that I keep my man.'
- 'I need intimacy and closeness.'
- 'I'm feeling so horny that I can't keep my hands off him.'
Are there any surprises here? There's nothing bad about having these feelings, it's simply good to recognise what motivates us to be sexual. However these alone are not sustainable in the long term and may explain why we often run out of steam sexually, so to speak, within a few months of starting up again.
Take a moment to remember how your body felt when you first had sex in these early months: Did you feel aroused? Did you lubricate naturally? Did you have an orgasm? Did you experience any pain, tenderness or soreness in your vagina? Did you enjoy doing it?
If you haven't had sex yet, then you'll be able to ask yourself the above questions once you do. If your answers were a combination of yeses and nos then you're not on your own. Most new mums have difficulty relaxing enough to really enjoy sex in the early months. Even if you've been successful at getting your baby to sleep you will be feeling on edge that he or she may wake up at any moment.
You may also be tense, particularly your pelvis, as you'll be anticipating feeling potential pain in your vagina. It's also possible that you will feel uncomfortable with your body image in front of your partner. I reassure you all of these feelings are natural.
What doesn't come so naturally to us is being able to change our habits, particularly our sexual ones. By this, I am referring to what we consider sex to be. Do we think of sex as just intercourse or could it be hand pleasuring and oral sex or even stroking each other all over with erotic intent? On a practical level all of these can be enough to reach orgasm but only intercourse requires that you use contraception. Incidentally, this is another reason why women frequently avoid having sex in the early months - the fear of falling pregnant so quickly after birth is the biggest passion killer of all.
Let's get practical with some information that I hope will help you to navigate your way, safely and with greater pleasure through these months.
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