Husband depressed after birth of child
I am a new mother. My husband is ten years older than I am and had just come out of a very depressing, unhealthy relationship when we met. The woman he was involved with had an eight-year-old son though he was not the father. He maintains that he stayed in the relationship because he didn't think she was a good mother and he grew very attached to the child. Ten years later he separated from her. He said he had always wanted children of his own but never believed he could have them.
Now he has a new, healthy, nine-week-old child but he is depressed most of the time. What could he possibly be depressed about? He has his own child, he has a sane, drug-free wife and a nice home; he knows that his son is being well cared for; and, most of all, he knows where I am at all times (an infidelity issue in his last relationship makes this important to him). Whenever I question him he cannot provide any answers — sometimes he doesn't answer at all.
I fear that I will one day walk away from him for the sake of my own mental health and the mental health of my son. What should I do?
‘Worried’
Dear ‘Worried’,
You are right to be concerned about your husband. He is expressing the symptoms of a depression rooted in his own childhood. His attraction to his first relationship was to save the little boy with whom he identified. Now that he has separated himself from this role in his previous relationship and found a healthier situation, he is left to face his own depression.
He will need professional help to do so.
Remind yourself of the qualities you fell in love with when you met him. He is still the same person but covered in a fog of depression. He has learned to walk away from the unhealthy situation in which he was entangled. Give him credit for recognising the emotional bankruptcy of his previous relationship. Ask him to seek help in finding the answers to your very important questions regarding his happiness. Let him know that you love and care about him, but that his depression is deadening the relationship.
Coming to terms with his depression is essential if he is to have the energy to bond with his own son. Finding his place as a father and husband holds promise as being ‘exactly what the doctor ordered’. However, the prescription is not as simple as you expected it to be.
Adjustment to motherhood is stressful enough in itself. You are perhaps experiencing disappointment at your partner's inability to help you through this period. You will need the support of friends and other new mothers to help you deal with your disappointment. Without support, you will be prone to feelings of abandonment and are likely to project this disappointment on to the marriage.
This is a formative transition in your family's development. If your husband does not treat his depression, you may find that you feel you have two babies on your hands. Each day this experience persists your resentment grows; and the marriage is being damaged. Hope can be gained from taking action. You may experience great relief when your husband acknowledges his problem and seeks competent treatment. Passivity, on the other hand, will almost certainly ensure that your desire to leave will eventually become a reality.
Your husband's healing requires his acceptance of his problem. If he takes responsibility for his own ‘rescue’ this time he has a great family to support him. Be patient. Be firm in your need for him to seek treatment, but do not reject or punish him. Take care of your needs for support and companionship. Join a new mothers’ group, seek out friendships and establish family goals with your husband. Imagine a possible future together in which you tell the story of how you successfully addressed this first hurdle as a couple. The key to your family's development will lie in your ability to help one another as well as take responsibility for self-healing. Team work is not always easy, but it can result in feeling bonded in response to problems instead of alienated.
Look on this year as a journey in your family's development. Going up a steep hill can be difficult, but putting one foot in front of another inevitably results in progress towards the top. You may reach the top by the time you celebrate your son's first birthday, or you may be halfway or three-quarters of the way there. This first year as a family may represent the first major challenge for growth in your relationship. You owe it to your son and to each other to develop the kind of family you want.
Gayle Peterson is the family therapist on Parentsplace.com
Visit her website at www.askdrgayle.com
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