iVillagers coping with miscarriage

Fiona's story
'I have two healthy girls aged five and almost two. I was at my 20-week scan when it was discovered that the baby had fluid on her tummy. My husband was called into hospital and I had an amnio and various blood tests to rule out infection and chromosomal disorders. The results of the amnio came back all clear - so did the blood tests. We also found out we were having a girl.

We had to go to The Queen Mother hospital in Glasgow for the baby to have a heart scan. At almost 25 weeks it was discovered that Emily had a major heart defect (pulmonary atresia). She had only one pumping chamber - the right one was too small and her pulmonary valve was non-existent. We were devastated.

Emily was going to be delivered two weeks early in the Queen Mother hospital. After the birth she would be given prostaglandin to keep her patent ductus open. Then, depending on how strong she was, she would have open-heart surgery at only a few days old, then two more major operations before she was a year old.

The doctors painted a really black picture, but I think they have to tell you all the facts. We were offered a termination, but it wasn't an option for us.

I was monitored very closely throughout the pregnancy and had a scan every one to two weeks. At almost 34 weeks I hadn't felt the baby move so I went for a scan. I'll never forget the look on the sonographer's face when she said, "I'm so sorry."

I felt like I was in the middle of a nightmare. Nothing prepares you when the worst does happen. The hospital staff were brilliant, and we were taken to a ward away from the maternity wards. I was given a tablet to lower my hormones then told to come back the next morning to be induced.

We went into hospital on a Thursday morning, where I was given a course of tablets to bring on labour. The first course didn't work, nor the second or the third. It was Saturday by this time and still no sign of labour starting.

I got a triple dose of the tablet to lower my hormones on the Sunday and on the Monday I was given a course of pessaries. After the second one my waters finally broke.

Emily was stillborn at 6.38pm on 3rd December 2001 weighing 5lbs 5oz. I felt an enormous sense of relief, and pleased with myself that I had done it. My husband was upset, after watching me go through all that - and he saw her being born. Emily was cleaned up and brought to us, I was a bit apprehensive about looking at her and holding her. She was beautiful.

They nurses took hand- and footprints of her and some hair, and made up a little booklet. They also took lots of photos for us and made up a birth certificate. My minister came in later and performed a blessing for her - it was lovely.

My eldest daughter had wanted to see Emily when she was born, so my dad took her to the hospital and we let her see her. She said she was beautiful and had a little cry, then went home with her grandpa. I am glad we let her see Emily as it helped her deal with her grief and say goodbye. She has coped with things very well - I think it helped being honest with her. Emily stayed with us the whole night until about 1pm the next day.

We had a small funeral a week later. It has been almost four months since Emily was stillborn, and there isn't a day goes by when I don't think about her. It still hurts, and it probably always will, but it has lessened a bit. People tend not to talk about her much now, which is sad for me as I don't want people to forget her. My husband and I and my eldest daughter still talk about her, because I find it helps.

We are so lucky that we have two gorgeous girls to help us get through. We are not having any more children, since we found out that I was expecting Emily two weeks before my husband had a vasectomy. We were planning on only having two children - Emily was a 'surprise'.'