iVillagers coping with miscarriage

Alison's story
'I've suffered three miscarriages, all at about eight weeks. Afterwards I felt empty and raw, like I had failed as a woman. The overwhelming ache to have a child was unbearable and I became quite obsessive. For this tragic loss to happen once was difficult, but for it to happen three times was cruel.

Everyone had an opinion and advice to offer, most of which was unhelpful and even hurtful. The only advice I received that was useful was from women who had experienced miscarriage first-hand. One woman told me about how she planted a rose in her child's memory and we also decided to do the same. To see it from my kitchen window every day brings great comfort.

My husband was extremely supportive and it was him I turned to. He bore the brunt of all the grief and for this I thank him.

When we were finally blessed with our daughter we realised the true gift of a child. She is our little miracle and so very, very special. After our third loss she became my little rock and helped me tremendously with my grief. It is amazing how strong a four-year-old can be!

My husband did not cope with a third miscarriage quite so well. As I did not need to turn to him as much he was alone in his grief and all three losses overwhelmed him and contributed to him having a breakdown. No one asks how the dad feels - all the attention and sympathy is given to the woman. We must remember that he too has lost a child.

I found joining the Miscarriage Association a great comfort, just knowing we were not alone and that hope comes through even the toughest odds.

The advice I would give to any couple unfortunate enough to experience miscarriage is to talk to each other and to others who have been through it. Don't make it a taboo topic, cry openly, and do not feel guilty. Never try to forget your baby that died before he or she was born.

Plant something or buy a special ornament as a memorial for your baby. Due dates are hard, so take the day off work and do something special. Anniversaries of the day you lost your baby are hard too, so explain to people why you are tearful. Finally, don't give up hope - there is light at the end of a very long and very dark tunnel.

But you will need help to get there - don't go it alone.'