iVillagers coping with miscarriage

Nicky's story
'I am 34 and my husband Jeff is 37. We started trying for a baby and after six months with no success, we started to wonder if something was wrong with us. After a year, Jeff and I went through months of blood and semen tests. It was so frustrating with the valuable months ticking away with seemingly little being done.

After that round of tests I was booked in for a laparoscopy. A small amount of endometriosis was found but apart from that everything was clear. Although I was ovulating normally, the specialist put me on Clomid to try to increase the chances and Jeff was put on Tamoxifen.

After four months on the Clomid (after 28 months of trying to conceive), we got pregnant. We were so thrilled that we called everyone straight away. I joined the iVillage boards for Mums of Babies due Oct-Dec 2002. It was great fun sharing the hopes and fears and finding out that all those symptoms are quite common - even if a little embarrassing!

Because we had been on the fertility drugs, there was an increased risk of multiples, so I was feeling extra lucky that I had an early scan at 8.5 weeks. I had surfed the Web to find pictures of a scan at 8.5 weeks so I knew what it should look like.

When we went for the scan, the sonographer didn't say too much - asked about my dates and that's about it. I could see the screen and knew straight away that it didn't look like the others I had seen. I knew it was bad news. The sac was growing at the normal rate, but our baby was only the size of a 6-week-old and there was no heartbeat.

The sonographer was great really - she was honest and I am glad for that. She said that although they do see discrepancies in the size of the baby and the sac, it was only about a week, not over two weeks. We were told I would have to go back in a week's time to check if it had grown, but that it didn't look good.

I knew then that our baby was dead. Jeff was great. He held my hand, but let me stay a bit aloof so I could hold myself together to some degree until we got home. There we could let out the shock and grief. I cried. I called my best friend who had miscarried recently. I needed to talk to someone who knew what it felt like, who understood. I felt better once I had told her, once she had told me how she had felt emotionally and physically. We phoned round family and friends as well as work to let them know what had happened. It was a bit daunting, but after a few calls, the support and love everyone showed really helped make me feel a bit better - not so alone.

I knew all the ladies on the Mums of Babies board on iVillage were eagerly awaiting news of the scan results. I wasn't scared of telling them and was amazed at how quickly how many messages of love and support came back from them. One of the ladies suggested I leave a message on the Miscarriage board on iVillage. I did, and again the messages of support were fantastic. I was able to ask questions about what might happen next.

Waiting out that week until the next scan was torture. On the day, when we looked at the screen we saw that sac was now the shape of a bendy hot-dog and the baby had just about disappeared. A nurse told us our options and I told her I wanted a surgical evacuation.

The surgery was fine - it was quick and I had very little pain. I had the week off work to recover. I didn't feel ill, but I felt exhausted and emotionally drained. Jeff was my rock. My friends and family were great and the ladies on the boards were brilliant. I also found comfort in being able to offer support to others during their bad days and times of grief. I am so glad I found those boards.

The first day back to work was tough too. Some people said the right things, some said the wrong things and some just didn't say anything at all. The work itself seemed quite unimportant, but going through the motions gave some structure to the days.

Jeff and I have become so much closer since the miscarriage. We decided that we should start trying to conceive straight away. I know we will have a baby someday. We just have to keep trying and hoping, because right now, hope is all we have.

If I can make you believe anything about your miscarriage it would be that it is not your fault. There are no guarantees and it may happen again, but it also may not and I am sure that the reward is worth the risk of being hurt again. (www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk)

Why not get support and advice from other iVillagers on the Coping With Miscarriage message board. Take a look at some of the LIVE discussions taking place right now on the board: