Anastasia’s pregnancy diary: weeks 10-12

I guess I’m also reacting to the undercurrent of fear that something could still go wrong. I feel getting this far has been such a long haul that I cannot imagine losing this baby and starting all over again. Time has never passed so slowly as it has done in these first few weeks of pregnancy. But every day that goes by, I remind myself that my chances of miscarriage go down and down, and I am grateful. Since I know the exact day I conceived, every Thursday I congratulate myself for being one more week pregnant, striving to reach the big ‘12’ I marked in my diary.

Then I hear some news that really shakes me and I hate myself for the way I react. A good friend in America miscarried at 20 weeks. My first thought was sorrow for her and then fear for me. How could that happen at 20 weeks? I thought the only danger was in the first 12 weeks! I’ve been shooting for the 12-week mark and planning to celebrate that milestone. Do I have to revise my expectations now? And what a horrible friend am I to turn someone else’s tragedy into my own selfish worry?

A good long talk with my glass-is-half-full mother grounds me immensely. Although she is not a clairvoyant, she is so positive that our baby will be born healthy, she almost has me believing it too. I know in my heart that all the worry in the world can’t change things, so I make a conscious effort to direct my energy in a more positive way and just assume everything will be OK. But the worry bug has a way of creeping back into my head, especially when I am trying to fall asleep.