Josa’s pregnancy diary – week 36–38

I find it hard to visualise myself as the mother of a small baby again. I feel overcome with lassitude at the idea of making a nursery out of my office. I am sure this has something to do with having lost my own mother seven years ago. She would be so interested, helping with curtains and all the practicalities, making it all more real for me. Although I have good, kind friends who keep delivering bin bags full of useful equipment, I have no one who would be so intimately connected with the practicalities as a mother. Sometimes I cry bitterly for my loss. The hormones have the effect of stripping away those carefully built defences between you and your memories.

Both children press their faces into the bump

Archie said he could distinguish it’s fast little heartbeat from mine, when he listened on the downward slope. He has been kindly helping me to put my tights onto my feet and zipping up my boots, as bending in the middle leaves me completely breathless. Only a month to go now, I really must try to be practical. We visited the Baby Gap sale, but the new baby things were uninspiring and very expensive. I will have to get around to reviewing what I have in the attic at some stage – I know there are little nighties and shawls, which are fine for the first few days. When we had Archie there were more interesting little clothes in vivid colours – now it’s all washed out pastels. Nappy buckets, bin, baby monitor, these are the only necessities left on the list to purchase due to the generosity of friends with second-hand equipment. I must stir myself at some stage. Only one major piece of work to edit and then, perhaps, it will all become more real, and I can begin to look into the future.

See Anastasia's pregnancy diary for weeks 36-38.