Early miscarriage

You and your partner

You may also be able to get support from your partner – he may be devastated too – a recent study in the British Journal of Medical Psychology suggests that 87% of male partners feel grief-stricken after a miscarriage.

Further, they may actually not be able to express that grief. They may be keeping a stiff upper lip and pushing the feelings down. They may feel they have to be strong for you. They may lose themselves in their work – leaving you feeling abandoned. Or they may try to shrug off the upset and ‘carry on as normal’ – the last thing you want.

So it’s vital to talk about your grief to your partner. Tell him how you feel and let him feel the grief too. OK, he may react differently – men are more likely to be upset at the physical trauma you’ve gone through and less likely to feel emotionally attached to the baby. But he does need your support, just the same, to heal.

How about the other people around you?

You may hold back from explaining to your other children what’s happening – but they may need to know. It can be frightening, particularly for a child who’s old enough to realise that something’s wrong, if they don’t know what’s happening. So offer an explanation aimed at the right level – little ones just need a sentence or two – and, yes, keep it simple. Above all, make sure the child understands that it’s not their fault that ‘mummy hasn’t got a baby in her tummy any more’. It hasn’t happened because they’ve been naughty or bad in some way.

When it comes to other adults, the main problem may be that they don’t know how to support you. So they fall back on ignoring the problem, not mentioning it, or brushing it away with ‘don’t worry, you can have another...’