The stillbirth of Otto

Ian and Barbara took photographs, and Barbara later gave us a card with Otto's hand and footprints, which is perhaps the most precious memento we have of him. Evidence that Otto was here.

A cot death in the womb
The sense of unreality when he died gave way to a gradual, agonising acceptance that he had gone from our lives before we knew anything about him. On the surface we coped, but privately the grief was overwhelming, and we all accepted that one of our family was missing. Telling Ian's parents and our children was the hardest thing we have ever done.

Otto was quite small at 6lbs 1oz, but scans towards the end of the pregnancy showed nothing amiss. My consultant had no answers, but did say that sometimes stillbirth is like a 'cot death in the womb' and you will never know why it happened. I suspect if we'd had a postmortem we still wouldn't know why he died.

Milo has helped me heal
After several months Ian and I dared to try again. Otto's absence reminded us that we really did want another baby. I took nothing about pregnancy or childbirth for granted. This time everything went well, and our son Milo was born 15 months after Otto died, a vigorous 8lb boy.

But Otto's absence is still there, and I feel as if he's my shadow child. The one I love like the others, but will never be able to mother. The one I'll never see grow up. I'll always wonder who he was and why he had to leave.