Pregnancy & Baby 

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Setting the boundaries

A cold authoritarian parent makes for a miserable family life. But, as Coram Family says, it doesn’t help to be so lax and tolerant that you never set limits.

Young children do need to know that there are limits and, as a parent, you’re the one to set those limits. You’re not your child’s best friend or big sibling. They’ll expect you to take charge of what’s happening, so you need to be authoritative, rather than authoritarian –what used to be called ‘firm but fair’.

Your task, as a parent, is not about holding on to power and control. You need to guide your child with actions, as well as words, especially, where very young children are concerned.

Showing and telling is what’s needed:

• Babies will fling their food, along with anything else they can grasp. They aren’t being deliberately messy and, certainly, not ‘naughty’. But you can guide them with actions, supported with a kind and firm, ‘No, the food stays on your plate’. You can take away an item that isn’t a plaything, and give them something that can be dropped or thrown.
• Toddlers may need to be diverted from poking the video, or the long-suffering cat, and towards things that will stand up to this robust treatment.
• By all means, tell your two-year-old not to hit the cat, but also show him directly what ‘gentle’ looks like, and be pleased with him when he copies your action.
• You’ll need to take your four-year-old back up to bed, when she keeps appearing in the evening. Telling her to go back is unlikely to be enough.

Toddlers are curious; that’s how they learn, and they don’t have a mental list of what they can and can’t touch. Tell them a firm ‘No’ and hold their hand to stop them. Offer an alternative that they can touch or encourage them to ‘look – but don’t touch’. Children need this guidance more than once. But they’ll get the hang of it, and may even repeat your own words like, ‘No, not the plant’, in order to stop themselves.

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