Setting the boundaries

Rather than always saying ‘no’ or ‘stop that’, try altering the way you react. Children, much like us, respond better to guidance on what they can do, rather than sharp adult reactions about what they can’t do.

• You don’t want your three-year-old hurtling round the supermarket aisles. So, give him tasks and get him involved in choices about your shopping.
• Try to avoid any sense of ‘I must win’ or ‘I can’t let a four-year-old be in control’. As the adult, it’s up to you to step aside from the power battle. Look to ignore minor issues, try your level best not to nag, and look [instead] for opportunities to compliment your child and give her attention for something positive.
• Young children can be good at winding up parents, so try not to get drawn into a pointless battle. Step aside if toddlers or young children provoke you. Ignore the wind-up and look for ways to give them attention in a positive way.
• A compromise is a strong option. If young children are bored, they may well indulge in a heavy bout of sofa bouncing or headache-inducing shrieks. A dose of fresh air and a walk somewhere will burn off excess energy and clear your head, so you don’t end up telling them off yet again.

Consider for a moment why adults use the word ‘smack’ about children, when we’d use the word ‘hit’ to express similar actions towards adults. It’s unacceptable in this country to hit other adults, no matter how often you have told them to do something, or how much they have embarrassed you in public. Children are younger and smaller than adults, and they have considerably less understanding of the world. So why should hitting children be used to control their behaviour?

Attitudes have changed a great deal

Your parents raised you in a different generation, although by no means all parents used hitting as a means of disciplining their children. If on rare occasions, your parents did use this way to deal with your behaviour, it doesn’t make them bad people. If they hit you regularly, then you can probably recall how unfair this seemed as a child, and how the hurt was more than physical. Your task, as a parent, now is to find ways to step back, resist the inclination to repeat history, and put other options in place of hitting.