Temper temper!
Picture it – a small person in a rage has run out of words and resorted to yelling, stamping feet, and then, inevitably, the full body fling onto the floor. The parent may be calm(ish), or embarrassed by an audience of strangers or disapproving relatives. If you take the line that your toddler ‘can’t be allowed to get away with it’, you risk getting drawn into the power battle. The whole thing spirals out of control and ends in an undignified furore.
Handling tantrums needs bucketloads of patience, a willingness to see situations from your child’s perspective and the skill to screen out your audience.
What provokes tantrums?
When they’re young, children don’t have the language skills to argue effectively so they lose their temper through sheer frustration.
- Some tantrums build up because children can sense their parent is undecided over sweets or buying yet another plastic collectible figure. Children are less likely to try tantrums as a tactic if experience tells them that you’re firm but friendly. ‘Chocolate bars are not on offer’ does not mean: ‘Maybe if you whinge at me’.
- When tantrums arise from distress, children need comfort and security. A two-year-old can’t explain that she has tried to build this tower for ages and it keeps falling over and it’s not fair. So, she throws the bricks across the room. She needs reassuring arms, not harsh words. When things are calmer, you can discourage brick throwing and she’ll learn from you that it’s OK to be cross, but it’s not OK to throw bricks. The important thing is to say it rather than shout it and that applies to you as well as your child.
- Some tantrums arise because children are confused and can’t adjust to change quickly. Try to forewarn them by saying: ‘We’re going home after this cartoon has finished’. Or help them to look ahead with: ‘We just have to go to the chemists and then we can get your books from the library’. Be fair and don’t push your luck. If your child has been patient in four shops, is it really necessary to carry on into a fifth and sixth?
- Children benefit from consistency and adults who abide by their own ground rules. For instance, it’s no use being very firm about bedtime routines some evenings and laid back on others, just because it suits you.
- Say ‘sorry’ if you’ve been a twit. Children respond well when a grown-up acknowledges they’ve been wrong. They see that it’s normal and OK to apologise, and that nobody’s perfect. All parents overreact sometimes: you can draw up battle lines over something trivial like finishing a meal and then live to regret the fight that ensued. Set your boundaries over issues that really matter.
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