You've dated happily for years and now you've said 'I do'. Annabel Heseltine explores the enormity of becoming a married couple.

It is easy to say 'I do' when love is fresh and exciting. But when the confetti has been swept away, the wedding dress embalmed and your friends suddenly stop calling because they don't want to interfere, you are left alone to grapple with the enormity of becoming a couple.

Love cushions, but cannot control, the inevitable moment when reality rushes in. Sam was on honeymoon in Southern India. Two sleepless nights, hundreds of mosquito bites and a long car journey had driven away her sense of humour, along with any notions she might have held of her husband becoming Harrison Ford in the jungle. They were barely on speaking terms when she turned to him and said, 'you realise we are stuck with each other for the rest of our lives'. When he admitted he was thinking the same thing, grouchiness gave way to giggles and the moment was rescued, but marriage is a daunting task, a lottery of life with no guarantees and no one handing out instructions.

Getting married is different from dating or living together because it is a legal contract involving a life-long commitment, depending upon a self-knowledge and confidence that few of us feel we have. Even for people who have known each other for years can find it hard because suddenly the rules have changed. If you don't like it, you can't just slam the door and walk out because the only door key you hold belongs to the door behind you.

Whether they occur five hours, weeks or months after marriage, arguments are inevitable. Suddenly things that didn't matter, matter, because you are cementing paving stones for the future. What you agree now will be relevant in ten or twenty years' time. Everything has to be sorted out. Silly things like which side of the bed, where to leave the post, who does the washing up, whose parents to visit at Christmas and how often you go out with his awful but cherished mates. Are you prepared to be a traditional wife cooking a meal every night and washing up afterwards? Or do you expect him to muck in as well?

The more these issues are discussed pre-marriage the easier the transition will be but inevitably, expectations are high and experience, low. Some woman love being married and relish the security - others are more ambivalent. That does not mean it won't work for them; it just means they have to learn to compromise and hone their skills of negotiation.

Many women have told me that their first year was horrible as they struggled to reconcile their careers, friendships and idiosyncrasies with the demands of a committed marriage. Statistics reveal that more women become depressed in their first year of marriage than at any other time.

These women have established a life and age does not encourage malleability. They are more selfish and complex. Bowing to the dictates of an old-fashioned marriage and what they think a wife should be while continuing a modern career is confusing and can damage their self-esteem.

Sarah was thirty-five when she promised her husband she would give up her career in politics. She loved it, but for five years she kept her word and turned her intelligent mind to the business of rearing children. She grew depressed. Eventually her husband realised that the demands he had made had been too high and he agreed to support her in a new job offer. Much heartache would have been saved if she had stood her ground at the outset.

The transformation from two single people to a married couple involves compromise and negotiation. It is a literal - I will do this for you, so what will you do for me? It is so tempting to try and force the other to lead your life. Eventually we learn to let the other be, but it's a daunting task.

Perhaps this is why so many couples choose to have the reading by the prophet Kahil Gibran at their wedding. I think it's worth reading again.

Then Almitra spoke again and said,
And what of Marriage, master?
And he answered saying;
You were born together, and together
you shall be for evermore.
You shall be together when the white
wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in thesilent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness.
And let the winds of the heavens dance
between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone
Though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping,
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

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