Breaking-up is hard to do, but sometimes there's no option. Coco Helado reveals the art of dumping with dignity.

We all know how painful break-ups can be, so when it's us doing the dumping we often try to minimise the pain with gentle hints and little white lies. But quite often our well-intentioned attempts to soften the blow only result in confusion, humiliation, and even greater pain to the dumpee.

These nine time-tested guidelines will help you through the messy business of ending a relationship.

1. Make up your mind.
So many women announce the split and do the exhaustive post-mortem with their friends, only to confess to reconciliation several days later. By this time we've all heard about the man's horrible body odour and weird relationship with mother and other intimate, personal details we'd really rather not have to know about at all. In some cases this sort of flip-flopping takes place repeatedly, for years on end. Spare your friends, at least: don't announce it's over until you're absolutely sure.

2. Don't be silent.
Sometimes women simply stop returning a man's calls, figuring that this signals her lack of interest. He might think your phone has broken, although this is highly unlikely and he will assume you're not interested. However it is a timid thing to avoid the phone. You should be able to speak to someone you dated and even went to bed with. Ignoring the incessant ring of the phone can also be more nerve-wracking and bothersome than just answering it and explaining to him that it's over. And, ultimately, it is just plain bad manners to blank another person.

3. Be clear.
Some people favour vague lines such as 'I need some space,' and 'I need to be alone for a bit' when finishing a relationship. You might think that drawing out the end over time is a gentle way of letting him down. Instead, you'll be creating a more unpleasant and painful end. Don't give him hope. Be blunt. It's kinder.

4. Do your own dirty work.
Don't try to force him to break up with you by becoming bitchy and unreasonable. Many women unhappy in their relationships start inventing absurd jealousies and complaints in an effort to push their boyfriend away. You may think this tactic lets you off the hook. In fact, it's cowardly. It draws out the inevitable, and creates bad vibes between you. Take responsibility for your dissatisfaction.

5. Stage the break-up carefully.
As far as location goes, restaurants and other public places are tricky because there's a slim chance he'll shout or, worse, cry - both of which will be highly embarrassing. If you do choose a restaurant it should be one that's in a central location. Also, make sure to look your worst. Wear an unflattering dress, a bit of that sickly sweet perfume he hates, and top it all off with a touch of green face powder.

6. Cry.
As you tell him that, wonderful as he is, it simply isn't working, try to muster up a few tears. Just now his ego needs all the help it can get.

7. Offer a reason.
You need not give the dumpee the real reason for losing him - the mediocre sex; his whistling nose; his idiot friends - but you do need to offer a reason that's plausible. If all else fails, tell him that it's clear he's not happy, and he deserves to be with someone who can make him happy. This will confuse him, since he might well have been happy until you became dissatisfied. But it's the sort of thing he can repeat to himself when it's over: I wasn't happy. And that will help him to justify the break-up.

8. If you do lie, lie well.
'This hurts me more than it hurts you,' is disingenuous, because it never does. 'It's not you, it's me,' is far more credible, especially when followed by either of two statements: 'I want to get married, give up my job, and have a dozen babies' (if he's a free spirit), or 'I don't feel like I've slept with enough men in my life to settle down with one.' (if he's traditional). No need to initiate a break-up then - he'll head for the hills.

9. Avoid break-up sex.
That one last night of passion, 'for old time's sake,' might seem pretty tempting, but don't give in: it will only confuse him. The next morning, whilst you're retrieving your cosmetics from his bathroom cabinet, he'll assume you've changed your mind and are off preparing breakfast. Trust me, it's messy.

If you follow the above nine points you may manage to achieve that rarity: a civilised break-up. You and your ex might even move into a pleasant post-relationship friendship. But if, despite your best efforts, the crockery begins to fly...duck.